Brian | Our Thursday

The Time I Almost Ran Over My Girlfriend

Published by brian on December 1, 2010

I couldn’t take my eyes off the dance floor. A pair of legs kicked in the air, accompanied by a flailing skirt and a half screaming, half laughing sound. Brandy attempted the “dip” but failed the second part of the move where your partner is supposed to bring you back up. She lay with her back flat on the ground and her feet bicycle kicking the air as if she mocked Madonna circa the “Like a Virgin” tour. I followed her heels, down to the back of her thighs, down to her two ass cheeks that jiggled around like an unbroken water balloon dropped on the floor. My friend Ryan and I observed this drunken spectacle from a nearby table with my girlfriend Laci. I looked over to see if she caught me leering, then gave a fake laugh like the time I got my first lap dance and the stripper told me her boobs were too big for her bra.

The Bathroom Debacle

The Bathroom Debacle

Published by brian on October 4, 2010

My kindergarten class was at a daycare center called Children’s World. If you asked the staff they’d say I was well behaved. I participated in sing alongs even though I didn’t know what “eep eep eep eeples and beneneenes” were and why so many people liked to eat them. I raised two fingers in the air and put one over my lips when the counselors said “Signals on”. I marched in the single file line with everyone else. For the most part, with the exception of a few time outs, I was a good kid. That was all until the day I finally crossed the line.

My First Rave

Published by brian on September 1, 2010

I nodded when my co-worker Jason asked me if I was into partying. “Well, a rave is pretty much the same thing, except with more house music and none of that trendy shit you hear everywhere else,” he explained to me while waiting for his noodles to cool down. Jason was one of the only other high school kids at my job, so we’d become good friends by default. I nodded again to indicate my agreement. “Tony and I are going to one this Saturday night. You should come,” he suggested as he twirled a string of noodles around his plastic fork. I finished my vending machine granola bar and said I was in.

My Night as a Mermaid

Published by brian on August 4, 2010

I stared at my hairy stomach spilling over the blue and green sequins one piece I had just wiggled into. On paper, this seemed like a good idea. Now, not so much. I always hated those douchebags that thought they were being funny by dressing up as girls for Halloween and now, here I was, one of them. I put on the long red wig, padded my sea shell bra and squinted at my reflection in the mirror, trying to calculate how many drinks it would take for me to sleep with myself. For a second, I thought about calling the whole thing off and claiming a fever or a stomach flu. “It’s funny,” I told myself, forcing a smile onto my face. “It’s funny because its part of a theme . . it’s funny because you’ll be with other guys doing the same thing . . . it’s funny because . . . its funny.” Just as I had started to convince myself that everything was going to be fine, I caught a glimpse of my backside which set my confidence level back to zero. “If you don’t find it funny, no one is going to find it funny,” I said to myself, annoyed with my own anxiety. “It’s fucking funny dude, now stop looking at yourself and lets go.”

10 Things I Hate About Online Dating

Published by brian on June 25, 2010

About a year ago I signed up for a free online dating site called Plenty of Fish, also known as POF. While searching through the profiles that all women age 20 – 36 within the greater Los Angeles area made for themselves, I started to notice an alarming number of similarities or recuring themes. The following is my list of peeves.

An Uncomfortable Haircut

Published by brian on April 13, 2010

I’ve always hated getting my hair cut. I blame this on every guy in 1996 that decided they would look good with hair that was faded on the sides and had spikes on top. When you have a long face with a large forehead, you want something that hides these features, not showcases them. This fashion phenomenon seemed to spawn a new breed of incompetent barbers that were essentially one trick ponies. “Keep it fairly even all the way around, just a light trim,” I would instruct before I sat in the padded swivel chair. They would smile and nod as I could hear the ominous sound of the electric razor buzzing next to my ear. I eventually learned it was a pointless argument which I was sure to lose. They seemed to know no other way to cut hair, kind of like in that episode of The Simpsons where the family visits the land down under and Marge tries to order a non-alcoholic beverage from an Australian pub.

The Time I Made Out With my Friend’s Ex-Girlfriend

Published by brian on March 3, 2010

He wasn’t taking the break up well and we were all suffering the consequences. “No Black!” He shouted over everyone’s conversation at the table, referring to the beans in the burrito he had just ordered, obviously. My face turned bright red. If it wasn’t already colorful from the day of sun and drinking I had just had, the waiter might have noticed how embarrassed I was. I quickly realized I wasn’t alone when I caught eyes with everyone sitting near me. Everyone but Scott, of course, who continued to casually look through the drink menu, oblivious to what had just happened. He flipped through the pages and muttered inaudible thoughts to himself. “You might want to be a little more careful with your choice of words, especially around the only black waiter in the restaurant,” Chris whispered as soon as the man was out of sight. Scott turned another page in the drink menu and ignored his friend’s advice by using a defense only drunk people and children practice known as “selective hearing”. I made a mental note to tip our server extra.

My 4th Grade Valentine

Published by brian on February 12, 2010

It has to be sweet and sincere. Something that says “I like you” but not in a creepy, looked-up-your-address-on-the-teacher’s-class-roll-list-and-stalk-you-on-the-weekends, kind of way. Trying to sum up your feelings over the past 3 years on a tiny candy heart is not an easy task. I grabbed another handful and laid them out on the table, attempting to find the best ones to put in K.H.’s card.

K.H.

Published by brian on December 29, 2009

Her name was Kelly Hensler, but we called her K.H. My progress over the years with her could be described as dismal at best. In first grade, I threw powdered chalk in her best friend’s eyes. K.H. turned to me and shouted “What did you do that for!?” then followed her friend into the bathroom. In second grade, I asked her if she wanted to see me make my face turn red. I breathed heavily for a minute, then let out all the air in my lungs. I put my arms around my neck and strained all the muscles in my body as hard as I could. I think this made me pass out because when I got up from the floor, she was in a casual conversation with a friend and it seemed like a considerable amount of time had passed. In 3rd grade, I stood right behind her in the ragtag choir our class had assembled for the annual school play. In rehearsal I thought it was funny to sing not just the boys part, but also the girls, with a much higher pitch voice. She turned around and glared at me when I did this.

No Man Left Behind

Published by brian on December 21, 2009

“Do you want anything to eat?” my dad asked as I walked into the kitchen at 7:30 a.m., still half asleep. “No thanks,” I answered as I took off my Dodgers hat. I decided not to wear it since it might be a conversation starter. “No Man Left Behind” was the name of the mens Christian conference I had agreed to go to with my dad. He had shown me the flyer a few weeks before and asked me if I wanted to go with him. “I would really appreciate it if you could come,” he said in a way that sounded like it had been rehearsed a few times. I thought about it for a week and then said yes.

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