Anyone who doesn’t know about IRON MIC: Eli Porter vs. Envy needs to. Click and watch. And listen.
After intense searching on the ‘net for legible lyrics to this timeless rap battle, I decided to compile the document myself. Actually, I did one better–I explained what’s going on.
I recommend playing the video along with this document, pausing, rewinding, and replaying, as the play-by-play is very thorough and you will miss a lot if you don’t. And you don’t wanna miss this.
Cue the video!
Marv-O: Hey deah, it’s me again, ya boy, Marv-O. And I’m back with round two of the iron mic freestyle battle. We have two new contestants: sophomore Ryell; and ya boy Eli, from the class of 2005.
We also have “Da Buss,” Johnathan Hodges, “J-Dub” Jeremy Walker, and Stephen Jackson, Action Jackson… Over.. (chuckling) Over at the judges table.
Y’all already know the rules, so we ain’t gonna waste no time on that um, but look: y’all have 45 seconds sus please stop when I tell you or else you will be dis-qualafaaad. Alright, let’s get it goin’. We’re gonna start things off wit’ cha boy Ryell, “Envy.” Let’s go.
It’s ya boy envy
Uh huh–uh huh–uh huh
01:08 (ENVY holds a sneeze.)
Yo the world has got you talkin’ cripple
My advice to Eli is to stop rappin’ stick to walkin’ crippled
(ENVY’s arm movements become much more pronounced, in “Yo-Yo Rookie-of-the-Year” fashion.)
Young cat freestyle so high
I been up on the blocks, never sellin’ rocks but I still got what I got
Squad up like
Little weezy get busy off the flow (ENVY’s arm movements change to “Tomahawk” mode)
So you could say I’m off the heezy
Anybody want it they can get it
Never rap with a stuttah
I’m so nice that I could have been
Get me right on the platter (ENVY’s arm movements change to DJ SCRATCH FEVER)
Rhymes fatter hittin’ cats off
Average cat knockin’ ’em off
Never wit the gats I run up on the strap
Beh-like ryell you need to stop talkin’ junk
But I gotta run up on a cat wit’ da pump;
01:45 ELI reaches for the mic, but politely pulls his hand back, realizing that he is being impatient.
01:50 J-DUB, not knowing that he is yet on camera, says the following to “Alicia,” the production assistant, in sign-language:
“Yes! Bring me one! I, too, would love a cold can of soda! I LOVE soda. Thank you so much.” J-DUB then realizes he is on, and regains composure, folding his arms.
Up next we have E-lah (2 second pause) from the (chuckling) clahass of 2005; let’s go!
02:03 J-DUB poses for a picture.
Yeaoh. I got one question, man, “Tell me who next?”
Dis nigga saowt-luttin’ nigga whodid giddinduhbess!
02:11 ENVY, realizing that Eli has just used the “N” word TWICE (cursing is grounds for disqualification), looks up at the judges panel, surprised. What obviously occurs here is that the judges discuss ENVY’s belief that ELI should be disqualified for his use of the “N” word. They signal to ENVY that ELI’s lyrics are “under review.” 02:17 ENVY then looks to ELI, conveying his sentiment of “Damn, bro; you are totally fucked.”
See, I’m da bess, mayne; I deed it.
The JUDGES halt ELI’s flow, and instruct him to wait while his fate is determined.
02:22 So as to gain sympathy from the judges, ELI takes a fascinatingly retarded posture, showcasing his handicap in order to receive a second (third) chance and avoid disqualification.
02:28 The JUDGES, off-camera, quietly reprimand ELI and explain that the “N” word is in fact a curse word, and there will be no further warnings about cursing.
(Then a long pause, with ELI’s suicidal facial expression.)
(Long pause; facial antics.)
Yee-aow, uh, yeeaw, yeauh.
Yo, see I’mma let you know who bess, by da hour
Izlike Rosie O’Donnell at a bisexual bridal shower
It ain’t neuhtin’ tuh me mayne,
I keep it for real
Lookuhdeezd d-dental mayne, wit, dent on the grill, see?
I’m da bess! I told you daeh!
Dis dude like dat, he runnin’ from da cat!
Naow, I messed up, but I’mma stay on top
They told me man butcha know, I’m nevah gun flop
Look at dis dude, he need to stay in da shade,
Ain’t no wondah why he came out:
He already in the gay parade!
I told you man: I gotchoo
roasted like “evah”
Yao-know, but my rhymes–they shtraight-up clevah.
So you step down
Off the pedestal
I’m da bess, mayne,
You need to go
To da fuckin’ de-toe!
You cussed again, Eli.
I said, “freakin'” though.
JOHNATHAN erupts in laughter and applause as J-DUB holds his hand to his mouth, concealing his chuckles.
03:45 Off-camera, Alicia enters the room with J-DUB’s soda, but, not knowing that the camera is already on the judges. MARV-O signals to Alicia to stop, so that she doesn’t walk into the shot.
MARV-O (signaling with his hand):
Wissah whut nervim?
MARV-O (signals again):
He said, “a bisexual.”
Alright, as you could see, that was GREAT. It had to be better than last time. But up steuh I still gotta go to my judges tah let-tah letchyall know who won.
I don’t know who won.
Over to you, the Godfather.
Alright. That was a good freestyle battle, bush-ih-knowmsehhhhhn, I’mma have ta give it to–my vote–I’mma have to give to E-li, cuz he really reprezented ‘n’ he stepped up, even though he messed up a couple time, he stepped up.
J-DUB (enthusiastic hand movements):
OH, dishya boy J-Dub, and um, I’mma have to gove mah boy Envy cuz he held it down he didn’t have no mistakes, you know what I’m sayin’ he went straight off the brain. He held it down. Let’s go!
Yeah, this eight fourteen, of course. But yuh. Bofe ubm did good, but I give it to Envy, cuz he did great.
(Three claps, followed by mic feedback)
JOHNATHAN and J-DUB nod in agreement. J-DUB’s attention returns to his soda, which will soon be in his possession.