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-Trust me, you want HEP C.

A while back, I considered being a doctor. I figured I’d be able to help people and make a few bucks. Then I learned of a pesky little process called “Med School,” where you apparently have to read a lot and wear silly white trenchcoats with tricked-out nametags. Fuck that.

Nobody has health insurance. If you do, I still feel sorry for you, because you’re either getting raped in the butt with fees, you are mooching off your parents, or your job sucks ass. I was hoping that with Obama we might get some sort of break on the health care stuff and that one day I’d be able to consult a physician regarding my fiery urination without having to spend my abortion money. But it looks like that Obama poster that reads “CHANGE” should read “SAME,” or “PUSSY BLOWJOB TAXI,” because nothing has changed.

He speaks so well
He's got the black lung.

So here’s the deal: rather than wasting my time getting a 2.2 GPA in some “Med School,” earning my “Ph.D,” and pissing my life away by telling people to turn their head and cough, I will do my part in providing you with the necessary knowledge and tools to remedy 90 percent of common colds. I’m writing it all here. So I give you:


Before I tell you these incredible secrets, I must preface them with the following disclaimer: just because you have HEP C, doesn’t mean all the information here should be followed. As stated before, I am not a doctor. So I guess HEP C is for entertainment purposes only, even though I am right about everything here.

My friend Ken pointed out that colds take four days. Day one is where you begin to feel shitty. Day two is where all of the symptoms become bad. Day three is where you basically want to kill yourself, but that night it starts getting better. Day four is where you finally feel decent again, unless you have AIDS.

As irony will have it, I just got over a really, really bad cold. I was stuck in bed for a day and a half. I hate being sick. But my incredible immune system, along with the perfect drug cocktail and a few other ingredients and practices had me back on my feet in two days. What ingredients and practices, you ask? I will explain. But before I do, I’m going to tell you how to prevent getting sick. Because anyone in medicine will tell you (unless they are mute): prevention is key.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am germophobic. If you are sick, I will avoid you like the plague. Because you are the plague. As a result of my germophobic practices, I am sick far less often than the average person. This belief, of course, is all conjured bullshit that reinforces my need to frenetically wash my hands every time I touch a doorknob or barstool, but I continue the practices nevertheless. And so should you. Here are a few rules of being an effective germophobe:

-Wash your hands.

Wash them all the time. Every time you shake hands with someone, think of where that person’s hand has been. Think of how often you pick your nose and ass, and how you don’t wash your hands after masturbating. Everyone else is the same. If I’m feeling lazy, I won’t even wash my hands after wiping my ass. So imagine the festering palm of my hand, with sammy sperm swimming around in spicy carne asada shit particles. And I’m a germophobe! If people are so lazy that there are remotes for car stereos, you can’t expect them to sanitize their hands. NOTE: If I get shit on my hand while wiping, I will usually wash. Just a heads-up.

-If someone is sick, run.

There is no reason to hang out with someone if they’re sick. If this diseased person typically shares a bed with you, make them sleep on the couch. It’s not your fault that they’re sick, and you shouldn’t have to be punished by contracting their illness. If this ailing person takes issue with your wishes to remain distant, they are probably not a real friend. If this person is relentlessly coughing and sneezing next to you and you have no escape (like in a movie theater, doctor’s office, food stamp line), this is a rare opportunity to utilize physical violence, since this person has inferior health to yours, and you will more often than not be victorious in the physical altercation. Just be sure to wash your hands after the fight.

-Don’t share.

Don’t eat from the same dishes as someone else. Don’t use someone else’s eating utensils. Don’t drink from the same glass, cup, can, or bottle, unless the drink contains alcohol (among alcohol’s numerous medicinal qualities, alcohol is an antiseptic).

-Don’t use public transportation.

Do your best to avoid using buses, subways, trains, airplanes, ferries, busses, taxis, gondolas, rickshaws, and monorails. Nobody knows why, but these vehicles are chock-full of bacteria and germs. If you absolutely must use one of these forms of transportation, be sure to pray extra hard the night before, as this is your only recourse in staying healthy. Good luck. Also, you can wear one of those SARS painters’ masks at the expense of looking Chinese and stupid.

Ineffective germophobic practices include (but aren’t limited to):

-Using ass-gaskets.

The paper toilet seat protectors that you find in public restrooms are a waste of time. Paper is no barrier for germs. Paper actually harbors germs. If you really want to disinfect a toilet seat, use the following four steps:

1) Wipe the urine and debris off of the seat with toilet paper. 2) Spit on the toilet seat (spit is antibacterial). 3) Wipe the spit around the seat with your fingers, then 4) dry it with more toilet paper.

-Using a shirt to grab a doorknob.

This is a common practice that simply does not work. Germs are smart. Their brains take up over half of their bodies, and the other half is wings and legs. They are very manipulative and clever, and they can see your shirt coming. They will fly or jump onto your hand.

-Using hand sanitizer.

Hand sanitizer is a sham. If there are germs on your hand, and you put some liquid on your hand and let it dry, you simply have dried liquid, and germs. Germs need to be washed away with soap and water, or a solvent, such as gasoline.

By practicing germophobia, you should notice a gradual change toward health. Again, this change is a mental construct, and is bullshit.

In addition to being germophobic, you should also employ some of the following measures to prevent catching a cold:


Sleep is the body’s way of recharging the immune system. When you sleep, the good people in your dreams actually help you become healthier. That is why you have bad dreams when you’re sick. It is important to eradicate bad people and influences from your dreams, and sleep at least three hours every weeknight, followed by twelve hours on Sundays.

-Take vitamins.

Be sure to take as many vitamins as possible. A daily multivitamin is a good idea. And since somebody already came up with that idea, you should take advantage by ingesting them. You want to take enough vitamins until your piss looks like Gatorade and smells like a health food store. Supplements are good, but any nutritionist, nutritionalist, nutritionologist, or 24 hour-fitness physical trainer will tell you (unless they are mute) that it is better to get your vitamins from food. Oranges (aside from being magical) are a great source of vitamin C, and orange juice. As a bonus, if you are a marijuana user, drinking orange juice will get you 18 percent higher. Pineapple juice from the grocery store contains a shitload of vitamins. As far as restaurants go, Mexican food tends to be the most nutritious and vitamin-filled. That is why Mexicans are fat. Certain types of trees produce maple syrup, which is good on pancakes and French Toast. Stay away from rotten foods, bleached flour, non-diet sodas, and ethnic cuisines.

-Work hard, party smart.

Humans are designed to work. That is why we have ten fingers and toes, while cartoon actors typically have eight. Work at least a 40-hour week, unless you are a lawyer. Hard work and physical activity are two of the best things for you. Farther down the list is watching television. Down at the bottom is the end of the list. During the work week, be sure to party at least once or twice. This is so you don’t become a pathetic fuck like 80 percent of your friends with significant others. Partying is the body’s way of recharging the immune system. While partying, drink plenty of alcohol. As stated before, alcohol is an antiseptic. Listerine is too, but alcohol tastes way better.

Before you go out, you should drink an energy drink/alcohol mix, like “Sparks.” Energy is always good. If you drink enough Sparks, you are allowed to talk as loud as you want, and everything you say will be funny. When you get to the bar, chug a big glass of water, so you can stay hydrated. By doing this, you can convince yourself that you won’t have a hangover the next day, which enables you to drink more. If you really want to get ahead of the game, drink mixed beverages that contain juices, as juices contain vitamins. Beer doesn’t contain vitamins, but it will make you feel great. Some drinks to stay away from are high-calorie drinks, like margaritas and dacquiris. Margaritas are pretty good, but if you could see what they put in those things, you wouldn’t drink them. Dacquiris are a no-no, unless you are gay. Gay people can drink anything, because of the extra chromosome. Other things to stay away from at the bar are salty drinks, like bloody marys (unless it’s in the morning), cream drinks (like Bailey’s), Coors Light (tastes terrible), blow jobs (the shot, not the act), and bachelorette parties. If you find yourself surrounded by a bachelorette party, you don’t have to worry about blow jobs. And you may have heard the famous saying: “beer before liquor, booze her then dick her.” Actually, you haven’t heard it before. Because I just made it up.

If you use drugs when you party, watch it. Marijuana isn’t a big deal, because it doesn’t really do anything except make you eat junk food and watch TV shows with laugh tracks. Cocaine will make you skinnier and more attractive, and skinny attractive chicks will stick around, so long as you have more coke. They are annoying though. Nobody can explain why cocaine does what it does, and it isn’t proven to make you healthier, as it is a relatively new narcotic. But it probably does. Ecstasy is fun, and is a great way to stay hydrated. Be careful, though: ecstasy can turn you gay. Ask anyone who has been to Ibiza. Anything much harder than those drugs, and you should question your upbringing. I guess you can do shrooms, but when you start wigging out at the bar, don’t come crying to me. And if you use meth, you should return your friends’ belongings.


Nothing prevents illness like sex. It’s proven; just Google it. I’m probably right. First, sex is good exercise. Second, it is a victimless crime. Three is my favorite number, and also nine. Four, it’s fun! Cunnilingus can be fun for the female, but if the female is sick, you should use a dental dam. A dental dam is an imaginary piece of latex that fictionally prevents STD’s. They have never been used before. You can make your own dental dams: Fortunately, sperm does not transmit disease, especially during oral or anal sex.

If you can’t con anyone into having sex with you, masturbation will do. I masturbate all the time, and there are no negative side effects other than lotion marks all over my sheets. One time I shot a load onto Steph’s laptop keyboard, but most of what I couldn’t wipe off dribbled unnoticeably between the keys.


If you feel a cold coming on, it is probably because you haven’t read or been given HEP C. When you notice symptoms, like sniffles, headache, irritability, or fever, it might not be too late to prevent the cold. I have discovered a few secrets for emergency cold prevention that I won’t share with you, because then it wouldn’t be a secret. Just kidding.


First off, figure out why you are catching a cold. Have you been washing your hands? Are you getting sleep? Are you partying smart? Fucking? This is the first step. But before this, take Zinc. Zinc helps your immune system fight off disease. Nobody knows why. I’m actually not shitting you here, Zinc is awesome for fighting colds. When I was living in Vegas and partying every night for five months, Zinc saved my ass. My bottle of Zinc says “Chelated Zinc,” whatever the fuck that means.


Drink water like it’s beer. Beerbonging water is probably a good idea too, if you can stand the taste. If you have access to one, throw in an IV with fluids. It is imperative to be hydrated. Hydration is like poison to colds. But it’s like water to you. Tap water is pretty bad for you or why would there be bottled water.


If you haven’t been getting sleep, take some drugs that make you drowsy. Don’t do this if you will be driving, and for God’s sake don’t take public transportation. Don’t take vitamins before you sleep, or you will have wacky-ass dreams about insects and talk-show hosts.


It helps to go for a run or go to the gym when you feel a cold coming on. Don’t worry about others around you catching your cold–they have no idea. If you need to blow your nose, just shoot snot rockets, or wipe it on your shirt.


Tanning, while boring as fuck, plays an important role in strengthening your immune system. Vitamin D is essential for something, or they wouldn’t call it a vitamin. Vitamin D is in sunlight and tanning bed bulbs, and your skin naturally harnesses this vitamin when exposed to these light sources. The chicks at tanning salons are usually pretty decent too, despite their deceptive nature.

-Emergen-C and Airborne

If you haven’t heard of Emergen-C or Airborne, you are either really dumb, or you don’t have any loved ones. Emergen-C and Airborne is a crushed-up multivitamin with sugar and flavoring. Neither product possesses any qualities superior to regular multivitamins, other than costing way too much. So unless you can steal Emergen-C or Airborne from work, just take multivitamins. Oh, and Airborne was “made by a teacher,” since teachers are qualified as pharmacists. Some people “swear by [Emergen-C or Airborne].” These people are idiots. They purchase frivolous products like napkin rings and decorative pillows.


Colds fucking suck. If you’re so lame that you couldn’t avoid getting a cold, you most likely don’t have anyone to care for you. Before suicide, try the following steps to wellness:


Part of being healthy is thinking you’re healthy, even if you’re not. For this reason, you should lie to yourself and everyone around you about your condition. Say that your runny nose, sneezing, and coughing is all “allergies.” This is especially helpful if you’re trying to get laid, since nobody wants to make out with an invalid. Denial plays an important role in alcoholism, which is a disease. Colds are no different, except that they aren’t your parents’ fault.

-The doctor

If you go to the doctor for a cold, you are a pussy. Colds take four days, period. All a doctor will do is listen to your whining and take your money. If you have the urge to go to a doctor for a cold, pull your decorative pillows off the bed, pop a Pamprin, and lay down. If you need drugs, call a teacher.

-Drink fluids.

Being hydrated or drunk are the only two ways to get better fast. Hydration not only helps your immune system, but it can make you bloated, which will help you rest. It might seem obvious to you, but many people don’t know that getting drunk when you have a cold is a great idea. Not only will you feel better while drunk, but if you can get a hangover, it will help you drink more fluids and hydrate. Alcohol and Vicodin are a great combination, and if taken in excess they can actually make you pass out, so you don’t have to tolerate life’s miseries.

-Eat Mexican Food.

As stated earlier, Mexican Food is almost always the healthiest option available. Eat jalapenos and use as much hot sauce as possible. This does several things, all of which are great for colds. First, your burning mouth will make you drink water, and since that doesn’t work, you will find beer. The water will hydrate you, and the beer will make you feel better (and make the burning go away). Also, hot sauce will make snot pour out of your head, which is good. Lastly, a few hours after you eat, you should have scorching diarrhea. Squirting diarrhea takes mind off the head cold, especially when you’re sweating and your asshole is bleeding.


Enough said. If you do it right, it can be good exercise too. If you have already eaten Mexican Food by this point, do not use spit to lubricate. Trust me.

-Take plenty of drugs.

The point of drugs is to make you feel good even though you feel bad. In addition to Vicodin, you should load up on any available drugs. Ibuprofen isn’t just for hangovers, it also makes normal headaches go away. If you’re taking more than nine or ten Ibuprofen at a time, be sure to eat food with them, because they will burn a hole in your stomach, and then you’re totally fucked. Dayquil will dry your head out.

-Blow and hawk.

Your body makes snot and lung butter to transport germs and bacteria out of your holes. Help your body help you by blowing your nose and hawking loogies. When you cough and hear gurgling, keep coughing until all that shit comes up, and then spit it out. It is sometimes acceptable in public, as was illustrated by this girl named Vanessa in my third grade classroom. She was the stinky kid. She hawked up a fatty and slyly spit it into her hand. Then she checked if the coast was clear, which it was not (I was looking), but she thought it was. Then she wiped it up the side of her desk, where it remained in various physical forms for the rest of the year.

-Use noseplugs.

I came up with a trick in college that should be in medical journals: noseplugs. When you are trying to sleep during day two or three of a cold, your nose runs and runs and runs. This is when your snot is still watery and has yet to congeal to dairy form. Depending on your drug regimen, this continues into the night, and you have to wake up every twenty minutes and blow your nose. A shitty side effect is that your nostrils turn pink and get gonorrhea. This is preventable. Do this: take one square of asswipe and fold it in half, then in half again, over and over until it is the perfect size to cram into your nostril. Then cram it in there. You should sleep a lot better now. If you aren’t sleeping well yet, it is probably because you are too dumb to have made a noseplug for the other nostril because I didn’t tell you to. Well, you’re just going to have to develop some initiative, because I’m not going to.

-Inbred’s Special Move.

A while back, I had a cold so bad that I couldn’t get drunk or anything. Inbred, my roommate, told me an age-old secret that goes back over 2,500 years. That secret is called Dimetapp Elixir. Dimetapp Elixir can be found at the grocery store. There is no substitute. I don’t know what happens when you take Dimetapp Elixir at the recommended dosage, but if you take 3-4 times that dosage, you pass out after about a half-hour and go into a coma. Don’t do this if you have anything to accomplish in the next twelve hours. If you wake up from the coma, you have no clue where you are, but you also don’t know where your symptoms went either. Also, Dimetapp Elixir is bad-assed because it tastes like grape Kool-Aid. I have a confession to make: I lied to you in this paragraph. There is a substitute for Dimetapp Elixir, and that is Dimetapp Elixir for Kids, or the generic version of it. Both are exactly the same thing, and still will put you on your ass. NOTE: Dimetapp Elixir is NOT “Purple Drank,” which can be either Robitussin or Promethazine-Codeine cough syrup (mixed with Sprite), which only works on black people and whiggers.

He'll hit dat.

There you have it. Again, I’m not a doctor, so you probably shouldn’t listen to me, but then again, writing isn’t audible. All of this information, even though it is completely accurate, is for use at your own risk. If you found all the information in it valuable, feel free to give HEP C to your loved ones.

Published inDave Axe