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Month: July 2010

Twas a Good Passport Part 1

In August of 2000, I obtained my last USA passport under auspicious circumstances. I had a trip

I will never forget

planned to England and with only a few weeks to go I noticed that my previous passport had expired. At that time, there was no expedited passport process so we immediately did the next best thing and lied. We had my Grandfather write a very formal letter saying that his wife, my Grandmother, was doing very poorly and it was imperative that I was present at her side during her final days. It worked. There after this passport served me extremely well and saw many an airport. I even had to have 25 pages added to it to accomodate more stamps. Well in August of 2010, it expires so I thought I would give my passport Justice and try and recount some of the memories that spring to mind while gazing through some of the stamps and visas.

How to Stop Your Receding Hair Line

The hair gene in males comes from your mother’s father. This means that I am going to have

My eyebrows in about 27 months. Hopefully not my demeanor.

enormous eyebrows that will shade me and my family from the sun and  I will have one of those heads that has the semi circle around the back from ear to ear. If I were a weaker person, I would grow one side extremely long and try to hide the top of my abnormally shiny head and then say “What?” when people asked me about it. However, there are alternatives.

-Trust me, you want HEP C.

A while back, I considered being a doctor. I figured I’d be able to help people and make a few bucks. Then I learned of a pesky little process called “Med School,” where you apparently have to read a lot and wear silly white trenchcoats with tricked-out nametags. Fuck that.

Nobody has health insurance. If you do, I still feel sorry for you, because you’re either getting raped in the butt with fees, you are mooching off your parents, or your job sucks ass. I was hoping that with Obama we might get some sort of break on the health care stuff and that one day I’d be able to consult a physician regarding my fiery urination without having to spend my abortion money. But it looks like that Obama poster that reads “CHANGE” should read “SAME,” or “PUSSY BLOWJOB TAXI,” because nothing has changed.

He speaks so well
He's got the black lung.

So here’s the deal: rather than wasting my time getting a 2.2 GPA in some “Med School,” earning my “Ph.D,” and pissing my life away by telling people to turn their head and cough, I will do my part in providing you with the necessary knowledge and tools to remedy 90 percent of common colds. I’m writing it all here. So I give you:


My Mid Mid-life Crisis

Everybody has heard of the mid-life crisis. Usually typified by a balding married man trying to cling on to his lost youth by purchasing a red convertable sports car. While I am not quite to that point just yet, I have been struggling with something similar and just as sad and pathetic. My mid mid-life crisis.

Catalina is Not California

About 26 miles off the coast of Southern California, you can feel as if you are a thousand miles away from the United States, and you do not need a passport. (In fact, this island is still part of Los Angeles County and has a 323 area code or is it 213?). As I write this, there is a large horde of young men that have descended upon this magical mystery tour of an island for an annual trip we affectionately call, Catalina.

Rome and Cinque Terra

Rome is a remarkable city and if you want to blow your mind to the maximum, go to Cinque Terra on the mediterranean coast. Below is an excerpt from a journal I kept during a a two month trip through Europe.

August 12th 12 something. Sitting in the hallway of a train surrounded by greasy Italians and listening to godspeed and my feet undoubtedly have some sort of fungus or worm or something. I have never seen them dirtier.