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15 Ways to Celebrate President’s Day

1. Grow a beard, wear a Lincoln hat.
2. Paint your house white and give tours.
3. Challenge someone to a duel.
4. Avoid all theaters, railroad stations, fairgrounds and Texas.
5. Wear wooden dentures and answer only to George.
6. Point at England on a globe and laugh.
7. Point at China on a globe and bend over.
8. Get aides.
9. Finally get around to building that fence between you and your Mexican neighbors.
10. Read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to your children and replace the word “Narnia” with “Canada.”
11. Tell everyone you’re a Christian.
12. Have a penis.
13. If you can’t get yourself a penis, go out in public with a stain on your skirt.
14. Play the saxophone, mispronounce simple words and/or sing to appear approachable.
15. Make stimulus packages for your friends: Fill a disposable bag with the economy, money you don’t have and hope. Then, seal the bag, shake vigorously and watch nothing happen at all.

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