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Month: December 2009


Her name was Kelly Hensler, but we called her K.H. My progress over the years with her could be described as dismal at best. In first grade, I threw powdered chalk in her best friend’s eyes. K.H. turned to me and shouted “What did you do that for!?” then followed her friend into the bathroom. In second grade, I asked her if she wanted to see me make my face turn red. I breathed heavily for a minute, then let out all the air in my lungs. I put my arms around my neck and strained all the muscles in my body as hard as I could. I think this made me pass out because when I got up from the floor, she was in a casual conversation with a friend and it seemed like a considerable amount of time had passed. In 3rd grade, I stood right behind her in the ragtag choir our class had assembled for the annual school play. In rehearsal I thought it was funny to sing not just the boys part, but also the girls, with a much higher pitch voice. She turned around and glared at me when I did this.

No Man Left Behind

“Do you want anything to eat?” my dad asked as I walked into the kitchen at 7:30 a.m., still half asleep. “No thanks,” I answered as I took off my Dodgers hat. I decided not to wear it since it might be a conversation starter. “No Man Left Behind” was the name of the mens Christian conference I had agreed to go to with my dad. He had shown me the flyer a few weeks before and asked me if I wanted to go with him. “I would really appreciate it if you could come,” he said in a way that sounded like it had been rehearsed a few times. I thought about it for a week and then said yes.

Vote Luke for Supreme Leader

It was that time of year again at Simi Valley High School to prove who was the most popular and well liked. Student body elections. I do not think there is a need to go into great detail of how this process works as it has been done by almost every teenage TV show and it has definitely been done by “Saved by the Bell” at least five times, including the “college years” period of that influential TV show. In brief, these elections allow the student body to elect fellow students to facilitate as puppets and spies for the faculty so the proletariat (students) do not start thinking they have no control over their schooling. To be president does not give you any power other than saying you are president and you can put it on your university applications. This time of year irritated me and something had to be done to illustrate the ridiculousness of it all. So I concocted a plan.

Going Dutch

The Dutch (people from Holland/Netherlands) I have always found to be interesting. Initially it was for the superficial reasons of their very open drug policies. But if you can avoid the temptations, and maintain a keen eye towards the very specific way in which they live their lives, there is something to behold that is worth absorbing. Granted, I have only visited three times, and in no way can I offer an accurate commentary. But I cannot do that even for places that I am extremely familiar with.

My Gothic Girlfriend

She wore black high heels with rainbow striped socks that went up to her knees. She had a plaid skirt that was almost fully covered by an oversized Marilyn Manson t-shirt. Also hidden under this shirt was a pretty damn good sized rack for an 8th grader. Her eye liner was black and her eye shadow was a blue-ish purple. She had a pale complexion that contrasted with her dark hair, which was tied back tightly in a pony tail. Her large nose hooked like an eagles and commanded most of the attention on her face.