I sat in disgust as our team bus slowly paced itself back to our home town of Prostejov in the Czech Republic. Playoffs were right around the corner and we just lost to one of the worst teams in our league. Our management looked pissed off and would probably threaten to not pay us on time again. Not only that, the stench of anti-antiperspirant wearing Czech teammates lingered all over the bus. That’s why us Americans chose to sit together in the front of the bus, combining the smells of our Old Spice High Endurance Speed Stick and Cool Water colognes. Yet, it was Saturday night and that meant only one thing to us basketball players; freedom to drink, party and screw. I wasn’t planning to go out on this particular Saturday night. My teammate, whom we’ll call Smashavan, was driving his brother and I to Prague early in the morning. I’d been to Prague twice before, but the trips were strictly basketball related. There was nothing I fancied more then being in a popular foreign tourist town to kick back some brews and people watch. I was looking forward to a quiet night in my flat. A little online poker, couple beers, jerking it to some girl-on-girl action and a good nights rest.
I knew our usual Saturday night consisted of pounding mass amounts of alcohol, dancing with porno caliber Czech girls and arriving home when the sun came up. I just had to deny this one Saturday night of its usual razz and sacrifice being hungover in bed all day for a Sunday fun day in Prague. There was one problem though. One of my teammates was celebrating his birthday. I knew I’d be forcefully dragged out with everyone for some celebratory birthday shots. Once a few shots would hit my lips, there was no denying the night could become endless. While the bus ride usually consisted of talking about our game and what we’d drink and screw that night, everyone popped in their iPod’s and quickly fell asleep. Spirits were at an extreme low from the loss. No doubt after a quick snooze, the guys would be ready to flush the loss out of their system with some drinks and late night partying. I was hoping I could escape to my flat without everyone hounding me to join them. Peer pressure is a bitch! With no one to talk to and the pungent body odor seeping into my head, I decided to put on some music and closed my eyes for the three hour ride home.
Fifteen minutes away from home my teammate, J-Mill, put his wet finger in my ear to wake me up. I jumped up out of my seat like Frankenstein had been given a jolt of electricity. “Hey Deezy, turn that rock shit off, we’re almost home.” I guess my headphone jack came out of my iPhone and “Master of Puppets” was blaring for all too hear. I wiped the drool off the rim of my mouth and gave a big stretch and yawn. I overheard the word “Fiesta” rolling off someone’s tongue. Oh shit, they were already making plans for the night. I almost wanted to fake falling back asleep to dodge everybody. It was too late. The birthday boy, Uncle, noticed I was awake and said, “Deezy, you coming out with us to celebrate my birthday, right?” My brain was still in nap mode, but I knew my plans for the night, “Naw, I’m going to Prague with Smashavan tomorrow, I need my rest.” Uncle knew I was the one teammate who never turned down a Saturday night. “Don’t worry Deez, everyone is tired and we’ll just have a few birthday drinks, I’ll even buy.” I was starting to think everyone’s definition of “a few” was different than mine. To these guys I knew “a few” meant more than ten. I told him I’d think about it and we quickly arrived back at our apartment building.
Living in the adjacent flat next to Uncle, I was doomed from the beginning. As we walked up the steps he demanded of me, “Deezy, get ready and I’ll ring your doorbell in twenty minutes.” I sat on the edge of my bed, put my hands on my head and weighed my options. I looked at the clock and noticed it was already almost midnight. Should I call it a night or man up and enjoy a few drinks and save the girl-on-girl action for later? I was never one to turn down free drinks. I’m Jewish, it’s embedded in my blood to accept any free gift. Before I knew it my designer jeans were on, my polo was ironed and Ax Body Spray was sprayed on my neck and groin area; I called this the “double neck to testies.” The doorbell suddenly rang twice startling me. My doorbell sounded like the America’s Got Talent “X” buzzer. I think I was just X’d twice by Howie and Piers for making a bad decision on going out. I opened the door and Uncle was standing there as if he was picking up his hot prom date. Unfortunately, I knew he’d rape me of my time and energy before tomorrow. I grabbed my wallet and phone and we were on our way to Fiesta.
Fiesta was the busiest restaurant/bar in town. It was two stories of tantalizing fun, but each story held it’s own unique vibe. Upstairs was the party zone. Pool tables, air hockey, slot machines, juke box, fully stacked bar and plenty of hot blonde Czech women to go around. Not even thirty minutes into the night, I found myself holding a half-drank double Mojito and buying a second round of Jagerbombs for the crew. I wasn’t a fan of the Mojito, I just didn’t enjoy any drink with a whole plant shoved inside. This was the free drink I was given by the birthday boy. I guess alcohol was alcohol and I had to be respectful and finish it. The night got interesting as a few smoking hot blondes approached us. My dick began to tingle and smile. The cuter one of the two began to speak in her sexy Czech accent, “Hey Uncle, you guys going to Simetrix tonight?” Uncle slyly responded, “Yeah, we might make it over there, it’s my birthday you know.” I thought I recognized her before and quickly ran through my mind databank of women, but it was running slow from the double Mojito and didn’t register. As they walked away, Uncle mentioned that she was one of the dancers from our basketball team. I remembered her and was immediately interested. Petite, blonde, sexy, dancer, cute accent; that was all me. Yet, the Simetrix Disco was mentioned and that meant a very, very late night. Once again I was faced with a tough dilemma. I was a few drinks away from being completely shit faced and unable to control my urge to leave at an appropriate time. I was also in the process of mind-fucking a cute chick, which drew my attention even further away from Prague. One of my teammates, Iceman, was leaving for home, but I denied my only chance at an early departure. I was in this for the long haul. We shot back a few more drinks, paid our tabs and off to Simetrix we went.
I choked on thick cigarette smoke and machine-made fog as we step foot in the disco. Uncle, J-Mill and I headed straight for the bar. Visibility was at a two girl depth. We crossed the living room sized dance floor and bumped elbows with girls that looked like they came straight from the girl-on-girl scenes I loved to watch. The ratio was unbelievable, at least three girls to every guy, a complete rarity. All of them were as hot and fresh as morning coffee. My goal was to find and strike up a conversation with the blonde dancer I doggy mind-fucked just an hour earlier. I looked everywhere but I couldn’t find her and the stinging smog began to burn my eyeballs. I needed a better view. There was a vacant stripper pole three feet above the dance floor besides the DJ booth. I waited for the Go-Go dancer to step down for her usual two song cigarette break. Now I was Go-Going and began my own seductive pole dance. There was never a night in Simentrix when I didn’t get on the pole at least for a twirl. As I started to take my shirt off, Uncle thought it would be hilarious to join in. His shirt came off as well and now we were two drunk guys with no shirts sharing a stripper pole for all to see. In my opinion, they should rename the Mojito to Homojito. Three girls clawed at our stomachs and we helped them up to join us. In the midst of a Flo Rida’s “Get Low” grind session, I located the cute blonde I had my sites set on and exited the stripper pole mayhem. It was time for my Deezy charm to be put to use.
After a quick pee break and checking my nose for any hangers, I plotted my attack. I was hesitant to aggressively approach her petite 5’2 frame with my giant 6’9 body. I had it in my mind that all petite women thought that guys of my stature had three foot long schlongs and would destroy their vaginas forever. Not true, it’s only two feet. I kept my distance not wanting to intimidate her. She stood alone with a sulky demeanor. As my tractor beam locked on, I yelled “Hey, what’s wrong” from a distance. She replied, “I need a boyfriend, I’m lonely.” Jackpot! I laughed on the inside knowing what she really needed. Deez nuts! I reached into my bag of drunk pickup lines and responded, “You don’t need a boyfriend, you need a man friend.” She sarcastically chuckled, flipped me the bird and walked away. I was turned on by her feistiness, but wasn’t going to let her off that easy. I gave it a few minutes and was ready for another attempt. As I began to close in on my prey again, a giant fat guy the size of the Kool-Aid man cut me off. She was now conversing with Sasquatch and I could only stand a schlongs distance away by the bar. As I stared at her and started my missionary mind-bang, he suddenly picked her up as if she was a Wendy’s Triple Stack. As I saw her struggling like a baby seal in Shamu’s mouth, I realized this was my golden opportunity. Hoping this guy didn’t know English, I threw George McFly’s famous “Back to the Future” line at him, “Hey fatty, get your god damn hands off her!” Knowing no one would get the joke but me, I started to laugh outloud. This seemed to upset him. The Kool-Aid/Sasquatch man mumbled curse words in Czech at me. My blonde slapped him in his man titties and then he backed down saying, “No problem, no problem.” Trying to complete my act of heroism I told her, “Maybe you need a bodyguard and not a boyfriend.” Waiting for another middle finger, she instead showed a beautiful smile and at that moment I realized I was in. I introduced myself as Deezy and she told me a name that started with a V. I asked again, but couldn’t understand her soft voice because of the powerful bass speakers that had rattled my ears deaf. I bought V a few drinks and then we danced to the repetitive playing of David Guetta and Lady Gaga songs. We finally sat down and Uncle came over to join us.
My body began to shut down and fall asleep. I was still conscious and wired due to the Red Bull in my system. Uncle looked partied out and told me he was ready to leave at any time. I checked my phone and it was already past 5 a.m. Not only that, I had a text message from Smashavan alerting me to be ready at 8:30 for the Prague trip. As V erotically puffed on her cigarette and sat in silence, the house lights of the disco suddenly turned on. As we stood up ready to leave, V suddenly spoke, “I’m not done partying, let’s keep the night going and go to my flat.” This was very unexpected, but I was totally excited and down with it. I looked at Uncle and Uncle looked at me. We gave each other the good old “who gives a fuck” shrugging gesture with our shoulders and out we all went.
I fell in and out of consciousness in the back seat while Uncle and V navigated home. We all stumbled into V’s flat. It smelled of fresh laundry and Victoria Secret’s body spray. V escaped to the bathroom like Houdini giving Uncle and I a minute to make a man plan. Either V was drunk and lonely or just a freak-a-leek. As she drunkenly struggled to change in front of me from her jeans and top to an oversized Mickey Mouse t-shirt, I began to think how bad I wanted her. I knew there was no time to fool around, so I got into the nitty gritty talk about sex and her loneliness. While Uncle laid in her bed fooling around on her laptop, she suddenly got the drunk spins and invited me to lay with her in bed. We assumed spooning positions and she unfortunately slowly fell into her dreadful hangover. Uncle excused himself to the bathroom where I was able to get a couple kisses and erotic grabs in. V seemed to enjoy my company and had a permanent smile on her face as she scooted closer to my half hung man piece. I began to pass out as Uncle started “Psssss’ing” at me. I got out of my comfortable spooning position and met Uncle at the front door. Uncle reeked of cigarette smoke and Homojito and was ready to bounce. As he asked if I wanted to stay or go, I was once again faced with a difficult decision. Possible future fuck buddy or Prague trip? His advice was to stay and so I did. As I got back into bed with V, I realized that she was gone till November. I decided I wouldn’t spend the night and try to bang her in the morning, as that wasn’t my style. I knew how drunk she was and when she’d wake up sober next to a random tattooed giant stranger, well I’d be scared shitless too. I needed to somehow leave my name and number with her. I didn’t have my own number memorized and it was no where to be found in my phone. I checked her phone, but all the options were in Czech. I thought of the next best thing. I opened her laptop hoping she had a Facebook account and an auto sign in. Success! I logged in and friend requested myself from her screen name. Thank you Facebook! I now had a name to go with her beautiful self, Vera. I gave Vera a kiss on the cheek, a quick booty grab and left her apartment at 7:30 a.m. I had less then an hour to get home and prepare for a day in Prague.
I only lived in Prostejov for two months and hadn’t quite became acclimated with the layout of the city. I knew how to get to and from the gym and the disco, but that was about it. I had no fucking clue where I was or how to get home. My clothes were still damp from bumping and grinding all night and now my head started spinning. I called Uncle twice, but there was no answer. I started thinking what Survivorman or Bear Grylls would do. I remembered that the sun always shined on my flat in the morning. So I just started walking away from the sun. Unsure of my idea, I eventually noticed the big clock tower in town. This was the middle of town, I knew where to go from there. I arrived home after a 25 minute walk, took a quick shower, gathered my things, accepted Vera’s friend request, left her a quick message yearning to see her again and took a 15 minute nap. My phone rang and Smashavan was waiting in front of my flat. Off to Prague we went.
Smashavan and his brother picked me up and I was luckily able to have the whole back of the car to myself. I definitely needed this extra space. Smashavan noticed that I looked a little sluggish, “Damn Deezy, did you go out last night?” I laughed, telling them that I was on absolutely no sleep and hoped I wouldn’t puke in his car. My head began to spin again and I got the whomp-whomps. Smashavan said he had some knock-off pain killers for his back he could give me. I took two pills and tried to sleep for the two hour trip while they laughed at my struggle. The pills actually made me feel worse, but I passed out and woke up when we arrived in Prague.
Prague is the second most visited city in the world. It is lined with tram tracks running across it’s cobblestone streets and hounds of people trying to make their way to each famous landmark. The Czech Republic is known for it’s beer as they invented the Pilsner. Although hungover, I couldn’t wait to have some food and cold brew. We couldn’t find anywhere to park and accidently turned down the wrong street. A cop pulled us over and told us we couldn’t drive on the team tracks. Smashavan played the dumb card and luckily they let us off. We eventually found a temporary parking spot. Arguing over whether we could leave the car there for more then the hour limit, we took our chances rather then driving around for another hour.
Knowing it was going to be a nice Spring day in Prague, I thought like a typical Californian would and only wore sandals. Not a smart idea when walking on cobblestone all day. My knees instantly hurt amongst my constant headache and complete body failure due to lack of sleep. I toughened up and we made our way through the thousands of tourists to find a restaurant. Why we chose to eat at T.G.I.F.’s in another country, I had no idea. The food sucked, the prices were double and I was dumb enough to order a Margarita with my looming hangover. The food in my stomach gave me a bit of energy, but the margarita was a different story. I sat there in a daze as Smashavan and his brother caught up with life and family talk. I was actually thinking about Vera and why I didn’t stay with her instead of suffering here. Smashavan got up for a potty break and his brother, O-Nasty, turned the conversation into weed talk. Traveling through Europe for the past week, O-Nasty managed to smuggle some weed in from Amsterdam. In his pocket was a pipe and a fat purple nug suprise. He asked if I’d smoke with him when we had the chance and I quickly obliged with a “fuckin’ hell yeah!” I told him that I didn’t usually chance it during the season because of the risk of random drug testing. Due to the current mental and physical state I was in, I couldn’t turn down a simple puff to relax me. Smashavan didn’t condone anyone smoking weed. We needed the perfect moment to disappear for a secret session of puff puff give. Smashavan became overwhelmingly paranoid about his parking spot. We stood outside watching Smashavan figure out where the Palladium mega mall was. In the blink of an eye Smashavan started walking away from us and said, “I’ll go park the car somewhere else and meet you guys at the Palladium.” Knowing we found our chance to smoke, we could care less where the Palladium was. Smashavan offered a few finger points this way and that way in the general direction of the Palladium. He assured us that we’d have no problem finding it and walked off. O-Nasty and I were ready to blaze it up in Prague.
O-Nasty and I started walking towards the Palladium. For the second time that day I was lost and had no clue where I was. We started making eye contact with every person passing by and yelled at them, “Palladium, Palladium??” We eventually were pointed in the right direction by two fat disgusting chicks and found our destination. Next, we scouted out a spot to blaze. Making sure there were no police around, we inconspicuously sat in the middle of hundreds of people on a bench in front of a random statue. Of course, while O-Nasty packed the bowl with that “stanky Amsterdam purp” other people took a seat right next to us. We didn’t care to relocate as we had to quickly make it to the mall to meet Smashavan. We just enjoyed our smoke session in front of everyone. We engulfed the smoke, slapped our stoner shades on and let our minds become dazed. O-Nasty and I then continued on to the mall.
Holy shit! This was the biggest mall I’d ever been in. I later found out it was one of the biggest malls in Europe. Four towering stories, hundreds of shops and thousands of people. This place was so fucking big that when we went to the directory it took us ten minutes to locate the “you are here” dot. My advanced calculus tests were easier then finding anything on this directory. Maybe it was because we were stoned, but after watching others spend 10 minutes looking at it in confusion, I knew it wasn’t just the weed. How did Smashavan think we would find each other without declaring an exact meeting point. Telling us to meet at the biggest fucking mall around wasn’t too exact in my book. I didn’t have my cell phone and neither did O-Nasty. We instantly became paranoid and had visions of sleeping in the mall overnight. This wasn’t the way I wanted to spend a stoned day in Prague after the night I just went through. I should’ve tried to get pussy instead of this. We started our search for Smashavan by constantly going up and down the escalators hoping to spot Smashavan. No luck. O-Nasty and I stopped and began to make a new stoned man plan. Being 6’9, I figured I would be easy to spot if we split up to find him. Then the spirits of Survivorman and Bear Grylls once again called upon me and said, “stay together in one place and have the rescuer find you.” The garage elevator area would be our safe haven and home base. We were thirsty and travelled to the top story to grab some Orange Fanta and munchies as the high kicked in a bit more. Thirty minutes pass. An hour passes. I was luckily wearing a red long-sleve shirt, so I suppose this was a cruel game of “Where’s Waldo?” Except I was Waldo and I hoped I’d be found. After 80 minutes I told O-Nasty I was going to start screaming Smashavan’s name hoping he’d hear me and appear out of thin air. As soon as I started the yelling game, I heard my name in the distance “DEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZY!” Smashavan came walking towards us and had nothing to say but a simple, “What up guys, sorry, but I couldn’t find a parking spot and there was a lot of traffic.” I guess we could do nothing but continue on in the madness that was the trip to Prague.
We enjoyed the rest of our day walking on the cobblestone and visiting the great sites Prague had to offer. After my hangover subsided I was free to enjoy some peace and quiet in the Prague air. Smashavan brought along the best toy known to man, a frisbee, and we hurled that thing all over the place. It was the most exhausted I’d ever been, except for the one time I went to Chico St. on graduation weekend and didn’t sleep for three days straight. I couldn’t wait to get home and crash on my bed and watch some girl-on-girl lesbian action. Little did I know that the beautiful blonde I met in the disco only the night before would become my fiancee. I guess life is full of risk and reward.