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Toothbrushes are Not for Sharing (Version 2.649)

Photo Credit: Vitó

The thing about tooth-brushing is that it rids our mouths of all the roughage and animal bi-products we put in there each day. There are remnants of In N’ Out and those Cheetos you secretly ate on the way home from the gym. Residue of morning coffee and lunchtime Diet Cokes. Boogers if you’re 5, and sardine bones if you’re 95.

That said, there are two types of people in the world: Those who find sharing toothbrushes grotesque, and those who will offer their toothbrush to a friend’s cousin’s gardener’s best friend’s babysitter.

Toothbrush sharers cannot be told apart from the rest of society. On the surface they live life like anyone else. They take cream in their coffee and order their eggs scrambled. Sometimes they’ll spring for an omelet, but mainly on weekends. They watch revival films at the cemetery in the summer and wear scarves before the weather drops below 70 degrees. A shocking 60 percent have trampolines in their backyards. Less than half have tried surfing and 94 percent are in monogamous relationships.

Toothbrush-sharing couples argue that if having sex exchanges fluids and bacteria, what makes a toothbrush any different? The penis and vagina are capable of spreading disease, arguably more so than the mouth. “What’s the big deal?” they ask while feeding each other Medjool dates, wearing only their bed sheets and a sex-worn flush.

The following are real questions posted to online forums by real people. Plus my answers to each!

My significant other and I have a great sexual relationship, but after spending the night together–and exchanging bodily fluids–she’s still freaked when I want to use her toothbrush! What’s up with that?”

Does your girlfriend chew peanut butter-filled pretzels with her vagina? Yes? OK, well what is up with that?

“Is sharing your toothbrush with your 20 year bed partner un hygienic? We are otherwise healthy, neither terribly prone to cold type ailments etc.

You sir or madame are in luck! You’ve rolled around in each others dead skin cells for two decades and are now immune to total foulness. Have you gotten a head start on storing your shared, un-rinsed brushes in the freezer? So you can eventually harvest the bacteria to create your own miniature earth? Similar to how new moms freeze their baby’s umbilical cord to save him or her from an untimely death? After reaping what your mouths have sown over the years, you’ll sprinkle the accumulated microbes in a fish bowl filled with beach sand, landscaping stones stolen from a Denny’s parking lot and mulch. Over time, amazing life forms will evolve from the beautiful combination of junk, crust and lovers’ DNA straight from your glorious food holes and you’ll be just like God. Eventually you’ll grow one long, white beard that will connect you at the chin, bonding you for infinity and forever.

“I say it’s all good. But my husband HATES it. Lol”

Your husband gets BJs from bums behind dumpsters! Lol

“Can you share a toothbrush? I’m trying to save money by not buying a toothbrush or toothpaste what should I do?”

Vacate to the deepest, farthest, most treacherous volcano in the universe.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention clearly states the following under Recommended Toothbrush Care:

Do not share toothbrushes. The exchange of body fluids that such sharing would foster places toothbrush sharers at an increased risk for infections, a particularly important consideration for persons with compromised immune systems or infectious diseases.”

I am putting my foot down. Even if licking your girl/boyfriend’s wisdom teeth holes gives you the world’s biggest pants tent, sharing toothbrushes is never OK.

Excerpt featured in The Tangential
Original Toothbrushes are Not for Sharing

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