I am convinced that I am superior to all male beings on the art of masturbating. Even though my convictions are obviously true, I am also certain that every guy thinks their masturbating artistry/methods/techniques are better. Though I am a shitty listener, I have been an active contributor in over thirty different masturbation discussions and arguments over the past decade to claim “expert status” on the topic. Trust me, I’ve listened to all the different perspectives, methodologies, and stories. I’ve heard it all, and I’m the best. This blog is dedicated to all the hotties out there to whom I’ve spanked it.
Unless I’m having sex, I’ll make time to masturbate every day. The only instances where I’ll skip it is if I’m at my parents’ house or on a computer-deprived vacation. My routine is very simple. Since I’m a horny bastard, just one glance at a sexy face or body can stimulate the chemicals in my mind to scream down to my genitals, “Time to whack!” In which case, I’ll retreat to my room, shut the door, turn on the computer, sit down, and pull up my favorite websites–either youjizz.com or tube8.com. I rarely lock my door because my roommates know of my raging sex drive and can infer that if my door is closed, it’s party time.
The Lotion Dispute
I never use lotion. I’ve tried it, but the messiness factor outweighs the enhancement it’s supposed to create, so I always go raw. Plus, it eliminates my right-hand mouse usage, and I’ve found that trying to operate a mouse left-handed is just as irritating as trying to whack lefty. I’ll break it downâ€¦
-Actually feels like a vagina.
-Elimination of shaftburn.
-It costs five bucks for a solid bottle, no longer making masturbating a free activity–unless all your lotion comes from hotel bathrooms, like my friend Axe’s.
-The mouse debacle.
-The constant forgetfulness to put the bottle away, thus exposing your sleaziness when people enter your room and see a mysterious thing of Lubriderm chilling beside your keyboard.
-No cost. It’s free!
-Easier access in public/emergency situations.
-Cleaner, more convenient mouse usage.
-Reminiscent of 60-year-old parched pussy.
-Occasional chaffage–though uncircumcised men are exempt due to the extra skin glide-with-hand factor.
-Less sensitivity and poorer quality whacks.
There are guys out there who will try anything to get an edge. Some guys claim jerking with the “off” hand is awesome because it “feels like someone else’s hand,” which is a false statement. All it does is waste time in trying something new when you could otherwise be taking care of business in an orderly fashion so you can move on with your life. Also, after trying the left-hand jerk a couple times, I’ve found myself feeling like a retard because my right hand begins involuntarily mimicking the motions of the jerk even though it’s on the sidelines. I did, however, interview a friend who believes in the occasional off-hand whack. It went like this:
Me: “So, McBride, tell me about your experiences.”
McBride: “First of all, I’m better at masturbating than you, and I should be writing this blog.”
Me: “Not true. But continue.”
McBride: “Well, as a professional right-hander, I do try out my left hand from time to time.”
McBride: “Because it feels like someone else’s hand.”
Me: “Pfff. Uh, continue.”
McBride: “Don’t gawk at me. Your problem is that you don’t use lotion. Lotion actually fixes the off-hand jerk because the left hand feels more foreign. Also, this frees up the right hand for premium mouse usage.”
Me: [Long pause] “You’re an idiot.”
McBride: “I’m better than you.”
Another urban myth is “The Stranger,” a curiously stupid act that involves sitting on one’s jerk hand to make it numb. Once the hand is purple and throbbing with tingly needles, they’ll then furiously start jerking with what feels like “another hand.” Then the blood circulates after ten seconds, and it’s over. I’ve never tried this because I’m not a moron. And any bozo who claims they have is probably also addicted to “Booger Sugar.” They’ll try anything with a cool title.
As far as jerk form goes, it’s always the standard wrap-and-pump, like a Shake Weight. In all my discussions, I’ve never heard of any other methods. Except in the case of my friend Bildo, who consistently defies the laws of physics and is somehow able to whack using the backsides of his hands, chiseling his penis in between them in a sweltering flurry, as if he were trying to start a fire. I do not recommend this method. In fact, I’m convinced he’s the only person on Earth who can even pull this off. After explaining his bizarre technique, however, Bildo had this to say, “What? Don’t you guys do it like that too?” Like I said, I am superior to other men.
The top porn sites will usually upload eight to ten new videos every 24 hours. On average, I’ll only check out a couple of the new ones. Most of the time, the fresh stuff is of undesirable porn stars or trashy amateur chicks with acne. Or worst of all, lesbians. No guy jerks off to lesbian porn. We need penetration. We need dick. Though sometimes I’ll hit a jackpot and get four or five good vids, in which case I’ll hover my mouse over them to get a brief flash-through of the porn sequence. Then I make instantaneous assessments based on a few factors:
-Porn star hotness: Is she one of my favs, or a fresh newbie?
-Is she a squirter?
-Is there a facial? (Note: Creampies don’t turn me on.)
-Is there a variety of sex positions, or solely lame-ass missionary or on-top?
-Is the male pornstar anyone but Nick Manning? (This guy’s vicious sex talk is so gross that it turns an otherwise decent video into a comedy show.)
My video selection is much more complex than these five factors. Depending on the sexual season of my mind, sometimes I’ll go strictly for a good blowjob or cumshot scene. Sometimes for the butt sex, and occasionally the steamy rimjob scene. The only problem with jerking it to the extreme shit like girl-on-guy rimjobs is that when I have sex with a chick, I find myself needing to reenact that scene in order to get off. As one might guess, anytime I start dating a girl, I’ll revert to jerking it to boring missionary sex scenes so I’m better prepared when the occasion arises. This sucks, because I hate missionary, but I’ll endure shittier whack sessions to enhance my sex with these unadventurous chicks. I’m a total sell-out, I know.
I’ll also make it a point to check all the good new vids before settling on a particular scene to bust my load. One must always be wary, however, of a premature-splooge, which is the terrifying act of jerking too fast, feeling the orgasm muscles contract, and then frantically running to one’s cum rag–err shirt in my case–and trying to dump one’s tartar sauce into its dispenser. I’ve had about fifteen premies in my lifetime–all ended chaotically. Sometimes, however, I’ll reach the edge of ejaculation, and then my body will hit the reset button like back in the Nintendo days, and I’ll stave off a shitty fate. This can’t be healthy.
Sometimes during a session, I’ll get a sudden craving for a certain pornstar. I have about ten go-to pornstars, where if all else fails, I find one of these chicks. Though I prefer adventure, I don’t mind jerking it to the same video if the scene is good. There are some scenes out there I’ve stroked it to over twenty times. They’re not book-marked or anything, but I pretty much know the name of the scene by heart. I call these my “Num-Num clips.” If I need to bust it to one of these, however, the whack session was basically like settling for a 7-11 hot dog when there’s a sign for a Steakhouse fifteen miles away. I cut my losses and take the safe bet.
Each scenario has its own set-up. Some days I look forward to a mid-day whack. Other days I randomly decide for a quickie. Sometimes I get butt naked and sprawl out for a long session with my laptop. Other times it’s pants barely even down for an urgent session–usually only in public situations. Some public places I’ve jerked off in: My high school locker room after soccer practice when my dad couldn’t pick me up until nine; a train bathroom in Italy; several airplane bathrooms; airport bathrooms; the Venetian casino bathroom; the University student center bathrooms; my fraternity computer room (infinity); a camping trail on Catalina island; a Port-O-Potty (huge emergency); and in a random field in Australia.
Sometimes I’ll whack just because I’m bored. Oftentimes, however, these non-horny sessions are the sneakiest of all, and somehow end up taking the longest. The quickest ones usually occur when I’m most looking forward to it, in which case I’m so fucking horny that I’m done by the second video. “She’s perfect,” I’ll think to myself as I erupt to a 7 with sexy hipbones.
In the extreme case that I am without porn access for a long period of time (two days), I’ll sometimes do an emergency whack. In such unpleasant circumstances, I’ll go to the bathroom, hover over the toilet, and rub one out to sexual memories, which I call “My Sex Files.” They consist of one to two-second images/screams/poundings of my experiences with past women, though I’ll usually only jerk to a select few. I’ll aim my cumshot in the direction of the ceiling so the cum forms a perfect parabola and lands safely in the toilet. While aiming for distance is fun, it gets all over the toilet seat, floor, and wall, which I don’t feel like wiping up with an insufficient wad of toilet paper.
An Interesting Case Study
Just like at the craps table, when you get a good roll going, it’s impossible to leave. It’s the same for whacking. When you’re hitting a run of explosive video after explosive video, you just want to keep going. It’s hard to throw in the towel and decide it’s time to finish. Back in college, I used to go sometimes for hours at a time (my record is five hours). These days, I don’t have that kind of time. I try and keep every session under thirty minutes. Sometimes, however, I get greedy and go a couple minutes over, which have caused me to be late to semi-important events.
I’ve only seen two guys ever masturbate as if no one was watching: Myself and an old college buddy I’ll call Afroman. A team of four of us planted a video camera in the fraternity computer room late one night. Because I ruled that domain, it was probably me who should have gotten caught. But Afroman fell into the wrong place at the wrong time. The following week, the video was broadcasted to everyone during Monday meeting. A breakdown of Afroman’s session:
First ten seconds- Unbuckle pants and remove penis.
Next five seconds- Begin stroking with right hand, standard wrap-and-pump style.
Next thirty seconds- Place right hand on mouse and locate acceptable porn site. (Keep in mind, this occurred back in 2002, when everyone still jerked off to pictures instead of videos because all the Internet vids were only ten-second clips, and they weren’t worth the hassle to download.)
Next fifteen minutes- Stroking for ten seconds, then mouse usage–hit the back button and on to next picture. Note: Afroman had a peculiar way of leaning way back in his chair and tilting his head back during his dick strokes. From what I’ve heard, most guys lean or hunch forward–I know I do.
Last twenty seconds- Tilt head extra far back and cum into stomach area.
Next ten seconds- Wipe cum onto his sock that he was wearing.
Next hour- Pass out.
That video gave us all a fresh perspective on other guys’ jerk methods, except for poor Afroman, who still has only seen himself.
When it’s time to fling the sour cream, I’ll grab my cum receptacle–an old yellow shirt with a turkey on it–and place it on my computer chair, which would be facing me. This all occurring after I’ve selected the exact place in the video I’m going to bust to. There is a five to ten-second window of the video I’ve pre-selected as “the moment of copulation”–either the look on a chick’s face, a pussy squirt, the position of her body, or the way a vein bulges on a penis (kidding). Then I’ll stand and brace myself at a seventy-degree angle with the ground, and, eyes locked on the computer screen, start erupting onto my cum rag. After I’m done, I’ll look down at the rag to check my load size and look for any stray globs that missed the target.
I don’t know of many guys who actually use a cum “rag.” Some use dirty boxers from their hamper; others an old faded shirt; and there are guys who actually use a sock, which perplexes me because then they’d have to worry about aiming carefully because socks are so damn small. The bigger the target, the better the cum dispenser–unless it’s a chick. Sadly, the cum rag must be replaced every few weeks because it starts turning orange and begins smelling like Captain Crunch.
Happy New Year :)