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Trick and/or Treat

Halloween has always held a special place in my senses.  The way the vast assortment of candy tickles my taste buds, the mystery behind selecting and crafting a unique costume, and the pure and distinct smell of a pillow case full of candy…MmmmMmm it surely is an appetizing holiday (with the exception of the gooey feel of carving a pumpkin- gross!).

Wine bottle and glass pumpkin.
Wine bottle and glass pumpkin. Carving (especially gutting it)- mundantory activity!!!!!

I think we can all agree that there is that extraordinary house in the neighborhood memorable for one reason or another on Halloween. Some houses are appealing because of the extra large candy while others are appalling because of the extra small candy.  Some are attractive with their elaborate décor while others are repulsive with their lights off… 

I want to be the house known for the crazy lady who answers the door. 

A few years ago, I stayed home on Halloween due to some physical ailment (I’m a hypochondriac so who knows the diagnosis that particular day?!) and handed out candy.  The whole procedure of candy giving, as the giver, was incredibly boring.  The costumes were NOT cute (despite my most kind and insincere compliments with an encouraging smile), the kids seemed ungrateful (despite the king size candy I delicately dropped in their bags), and not one child shouted “trick or treat” with passion. 

After noticing this decrepit pattern, my sister and I changed the pace immediately to save ourselves and Halloween with some tricks of our own. 

Knock knock…We opened the door without a candy bowl: 

“Trick or Treat…” they said. 

“Trick,” as I solemnly pretended to pull my thumb apart from the middle. 

The kids stood perplexed and clearly didn’t know whether to laugh or throw an egg at my face.  I caved and gave them candy that I enthusiastically made appear from the back of their ear! 

“Well…you asked, and I chose trick…but here, take a candy” 

Knock knock…We opened the door holding a bowl full of canned goods and gleaming with smiles from ear to ear: 

“Trick or treat…” they said.  

“Oh!! Hi! Snow White!  Ghost!  Here you go kids, pick a can! Any can! Personally, I like the garbanzo beans. They are SO versatile!  But it’s not my day, it’s yours! Hope you know how to use a can opener..” 

As to not hurt my feelings, each kid slowly dipped their hand into the canned-bowl and chose between corn, pickled beets or chopped olives.  

“Really?  Do you actually think a young lady like me is gonna hand out canned goods?  Take a candy…geez” 

With the same confusion, they took the candy while we giggled. 

Knock knock…We opened the door again, without a candy bowl: 

“Trick or Treat…” they said….  

“We’ll take a treat.  What you got?” 

We then proceeded to rummage through their pillow cases for a Charleston Chew or Milk Duds.  Not one child seemed amused, nor did they actually let us take their candy, so I instead gave them two candies for the trouble. 

Knock knock…Before opening the door, we made noises and flickered the lights on and off spastically like a spectacular spook fest: 

“TRICCCKKK!!!”  We screamed before they could mutter it, opened the door and handed the candy to them with straight faces and no words. 

Knock knock…We opened the door to a cluster of fresh faces, masks and ghouls:

“Trick or Treat…” 

“Wait a gosh darn second,” I said with utmost seriousness.  “I’ve seen you kids already!” 

“No! I swear! This is the first time!!” 

“It’s because of the huge candy isn’t it?  I knew this would happen,” I became very serious. “I hoped it wouldn’t but it did…Trick-or-Treaters lying and thieving my candy. Worst Halloween ever.” 


“It’s ok” 


“Take another” 


“Have a good night.  Although I’m sure I’ll see you again.” 

Knock knock…With a loaded candy bowl. 

“Trick or treat!” 

“Knock knock,” I responded after slightly opening the door. 


“Everyone circle your left arm over your head until the joke is over…Knock knock,” I repeated. 

“Who’s there?” one child responded with grave hesitation while circling his arm. 

“Yaw!” I said back. 

“Yaw whoooo?” as they continued circling their arms. 

I again gave them two candies because no one but me and my sister laughed. Yahoooo!!! Get it? No?

Staying home to catch the looks on the kids’ faces when they see the bowl full of canned food is PRICELESS and I prefer that instead of a bar outting any time!  I will be in D.C. this year for this special day and will inevitably miss out on the buffoonery of handing out candy.  I hope dearly that someone will take my place as the crazy lady by implementing these tricks into the treat-giving experience and to make fools of themselves, the princesses, goblins and Harry Potter characters that beg for candy.  

On a side note, if a kid ever knocks on my door dressed as Oliver Twist and says “Please, ma’am, may I have some more?”  I will dump the entire bowl of king sized Butterfingers into his pillow case without playing one trick.  How creative! Kids these days aren’t that smart though, are they?  No, they’re not…they just aren’t, and I blame the lack of quality television programing like You Can’t Do That On Television, Pete and Pete, and Doug.

My Wine Bottle and Wine Glass pumpkin...Carving sucks!!
Day 3- fermented wine glass a little too tipsy...worst EVER
Published inDanielle