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I do not consider myself an evil man. I open doors for the ladies. I will cross a busy highway to help a wheelchair up a curb. I don’t step on cracks to avoid breaking my mother’s back. In general, I love everything and everyone on this planet and do my best to contribute to our continued growth and development. But one hilarious and cruel evening, I faltered. This story is about the time I anti-poisoned Grant.

This page puts it rather well …

My University was 140 kilometers from my parents house. Just the right distance. Far enough to feel independent, but close enough to beg for money or eat a few meals. One trip home I found myself scrummaging through the bathroom and I came across one of those things that every single child dreams about. There it was, underneath the sink, nestled inbetween the broken hair dryer and a two foot tall can of hair spray my mom was still milking from her days in the 80’s, was a small glass container no bigger than my thumb in the shape of a milk bottle. There was a thin dirty gray label and whatever was inside might as well have been glowing green as far as I was concerned. I delicately took the bottle out of it’s dark murky cave to have a closer look. The label was hard to read and I had to really rub hard to remove the gray gunk. Underneath was no more than a few words. Some company name, a date from the 70’s, and the word “Ipecac”. I removed the cap with a great twist and inside was an odorless clear liquid and the cap had an eye dropper attached to it. I had struck gold, I had no clue what I had found but I knew that it was awesome.

“Dad, what is Ipecac?” I queried to which he dryly responded, “It makes you vomit.” to which I wetly grinned.

From Wikipedia…

The actions of Ipecac are mainly those of its major alkaloidsemetine (methylcephaeline) and cephaeline. They both act locally by irritating the gastricmucosa and centrally by stimulating the medullary chemoreceptor trigger zone to induce vomiting.

The commercial preparation of ipecac consists of 1/14 of fluedextractum of ipecac root. The rest is composed of glycerin and sugar syrup. Ipecac root itself is a poison but due to the normal strengths used and the inability of the patient to keep the solution ingested it is seldom fatal.

I grew up in Simi Valley, CA, USA. Third safest city in America with a population over 100,000 for years on end. The single republican/conservative city in Ventura County. Haven for retired CIA, FBI, and police officers. Famous for housing Charles Manson and hosting the Rodney King trial due to the lack of blacks that live in Simi Valley. Of my graduating class of 471, I would estimate about 50 immediately went off to find further education, myself included. This latter statistic gave myself a slightly higher respect level when I would return to Simi Valley for a weekend galavant away from my studious University activities. Although I’m not an egoist, it was time to put this fact to use.

Two years out of high school and the house parties had not changed. Someone’s parents were out of town and a few phone calls later and a train of cars about 14 long was formed that descended upon a usually quiet neighborhood. The crowd was the same and the conversations were the same. My position in the party was the same, n the backyard drinking a beer like the guys in King of the Hill and still scared to talk to girls. The fact that I despised the static nature of Simi Valley and it’s inhabitants did not matter at this point as I was carefully selecting my target.

I did not know what would happen or how I would do this. I figured I would put a few drops of Ipecac in someones drink. I would pick someone shamelessly hitting on a girl, they would take a drink, say a few words, then yak all over the girls chest. She would look at him, he would look at her, she would say “Ewwwwww!”, another girl watching would see this and then start throwing up herself, and then another, and another, and I would stand in the middle of this vomit world I had created with both my hands stretched into the air with my head tilted back as I let out demonic laughter as the camera zoomed out from directly above me spinning counter clockwise.

But I did not want to be so obvious so I changed my tactic to maybe the craftiest strategy that I have ever conjured. I chose Grant as my target. Grant was a pleasant guy for the most part and him and I never had any problems. Really, he did not deserve the Ipecac and the only thing I could slight him for was his sometimes overly rude methods with the ladies. It was this fault that I chose to exploit.

“Hey Grant.”… “Ya not bad.”… “UCI… it’s like UCLA but with more computers.”… “Nah, I am playing soccer like six hours a day so I don’t got time for them.”… “Listen, Grant, I want to show you something. Check this out.”… “What’s Ipecac? You’ve never heard of it?”… “Dude, this is the world’s most potent aphrodisiac and male enhancing herb.”… “Dude, I swear. I tried this the other night with HUGE success.”… “Dude. I’m not lying. Just a few drops should be enough.”… “Sure man, give it a try.”

That was the jist of the conversation. It actually took quite a lot of convincing but my sales techniques were on top form that night. I even had a crowd of his friends around me inspecting the bottle, smelling it, shaking it, and everything else. It wasn’t to hard to make the sell as they were all rip roaring drunk and I was relatively sober. I explained that he would take a drink and a few minutes later he would have an uncontrollable urge in his pants and he would notice that every girl around him was ten times more attractive. He would feel like he was exploding out of his pants and his presence near the ladies would excite them. The effects would start only minutes after taking the liquid. In the end Grant was pumped and chugged from the little bottle with vigor. He reported to the curious crowd that it didn’t really taste of much.

After a few minutes Grant reported that he was feeling a very strong sensation in his pants. He would make this face like there was a rodent running around in his underwear, and he liked it. He would start gyrating his hips saying the whole time, “Ya. Yaaa. OOO I like this.” He then started hitting on every girl in the party. He moved quick and fast from group to group. His hips never stopped moving and he looked like he couldn’t control his actions.  All his friends were in shock and disbelief. They looked at me and all I could do was respond with a “Told you so” shrug of the shoulders. They pleaded to have some but I said there was not much left and I was saving it. Grant was now removing his shirt and becoming quite obnoxious with his new found sexual prowess. He reported that his whole body was feeling tingly and he couldn’t control himself. I could not have planned for his actions nor could they have been more perfect. Grant was virtually absolving me of any wrong doing with his attempts at being cool in front of his friends.

Twenty minutes went by and Grant started to slow down. He maintained that his body was tingling all over but it was not an erotic feeling. His friends were giving him a hard time for drinking too much as his face grimaced and contorted in discomfort. “Grant, your fucking up big time man. Your wasting the Ipecac.” He slowly wandered to the front of the house and away from the party. I began to feel bad but I did not want to show too much emotion or risk revealing the truth to my actions. The night passed and the party faded and Grant vomited alone in the bushes. When the witnesses had left I sat with Grant trying to console him making sure he knew he drank too much but also just to give him someone to feel bad with.

Grant became just a fleeting moment in the minds of everyone there that night and I am sure no one remembers what Ipecac is or that it was used by Grant. It was funny and Grant made it funnier with his outlandish sexual response. But this is not to be repeated and Grant, I am sorry. You were arbitrarily chosen to be the butt of a cruel joke and I hope you can forgive me. It’s only slightly poisonous and it’s actually an anti-poison, so in some ways, I was trying to help you.

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