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Pinching a Loaf

Here in England, it is common language to use the word ‘pinch’ meaning to steal. So it was quite natural to see the twisted looks of confusion on my cousins faces as I described to them the term ‘pinching a loaf’. If you have not heard of this term, it means to take a poop. Get it? None the less, this conversation reminded me of a time in high school that needs to be documented, of a video we made where I truly pinched a loaf in all understandings of the word.

It was AP Government class with Mr. Hibbits. A fantasticly memorable teacher mostly for his generous usage of the word “uhmm”. He would sometimes string many uhms together to create a rather melodic sentence. It could also be compared to the way Beevis and Butthead used uhm but in a more professional way. Mr. Hibbits was basically a push over and as long as you got decent grades, you could do pretty much anything in his class. Like Dustin and I playing chess with the board between the rows of seats in plain view. Or Dustin picking up our valedictorian by his neck and slamming him in to the white board and holding him in the air which was an impressive site considering Dustin is well over two meters tall.

So we were asked to make groups and create a video presentation of a topic in class. Our group was myself, a Conger (friend with last name of Conger, there were two and they were twins, sort of.), Eric Chemi (valedictorian), and two meter tall Dustin. Our topic had something to do with terrorists but I cannot remember the exact topic, not important.

We spent a day making this video, dressing up like terrorists which you could do back then without political calamity. The movie came out nice and we all watched it for the last time to make sure it was ready for the next days presentation. When we were done, we decided to go get some food. It was decided that I would stay and finish up the report paperwork and the other three would get food. When they were gone, the funniest thought fell into my head. I do not know why or how, but at the time this seemed like the most hilarious thing I had ever come up with.

I took the camera into the bathroom, sat down, and started taking a poo. Dustin’s bathroom is not the most spacious area and I was forced to hold the camera with my left hand. As the main contents were being evacuated from my body, I sat up just a little bit so the camera could see basically my leg and a little gap which caught the view of something dropping down. I finished up and put the camera back where it was and got the paperwork finished. When the group came back, I rewinded the video to have it in the right spot for the presentation. This means I never actually watched what was recorded and just hoped for the best. I did not tell anyone.

So the next day rolls around and we are up for our report. We made our introduction and started the movie. At this point I am starting to laugh uncontrollably and the rest of the group started to get suspicious but it was too late. The movie was playing and we were getting our usual laughs from the rest of the class. But I was laughing hysterically and much louder than should be expected to see Eric get chased down by Conger in the video. I couldn’t control it any more, obviously, and I told Dustin with a few minutes to go what I had done. Dustin started to then freak out himself in laughter and now it was just a matter of time. Eric, with his reputation on the line, started to get unreasonable when I wouldn’t tell him anything. He tried to warn Mr. Hibbits but Dustin held him down with a powerful paw on the shoulder.

Right when the movie ended, it immediately cut to a picture that you could not quite figure out what it was, which was my leg. Murmurs in the class started up asking what the hell is that. There was a slightly audible sound of me trying to hard in the video. This was mainly because I had to lean up to get the job done which is not a way to make pooping easier. Then just ever so slightly, my leg lifts up enough at the perfect time. You can clearly see a piece of poo slowly dropping down and then quickly falling. Then the movie turned off. I had knocked over four desks laughing so hard and a few other people finally realized what they had watched and were joining my laughing disaster. A few others requested to see it again because they were not sure what it was which then made giant spews of milk shoot out of my nose like in the cartoon Doug. Mr. Hibbits, I think, figured it out. An endless unintelligible stream of Uhms started to come out but it was all obviously too much for him and nothing was said in the end.

We got an A.

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