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The Pope: He’s Baaackkk!

They are digging up the dead pope’s body.  I swear to God.  It’s not weird.  It’s actually very simple.




The world’s largest religion


[a religion is a romantic group of people who center themselves on the principle of faith — which is belief without physical proof.]


Is digging up the physical body


[which is, at this point, a rotting pile of diseased and dying microrganisms]


Of a previous pope


[the pope is a religion’s team captain.  his duties entail sitting in a tiny room by himself and sitting in a bulletproof car by himself.  What does he do when he’s all alone?  He talks to himself .  Then he comes out on a balcony by himself or records of video of himself and tell us what he’s been thinking about lately.]


“The Vatican said the coffin was removed from the crypts below St. Peter’s Basilica while top Vatican officials and some of the late pope’s closest aides looked on and prayed.”


[the crypts.     the CRYPTS?? the crypts.     ThE cRyPtS… woah. ]


This pope was great at what he did


[which was telling everyone what to do.  well, telling everyone what not to do, mainly.  That, and dealing with world crises with his universal action plan of everyone “really hoping things work out ok… for us” aka talking to yourself in a quiet room.]


He was so great at pope-ing that the religion decided he needed to be remembered and honored.  Especially with all the “bullshit gossip” swirling around.


“Liberals in the church say John Paul was too harsh with theological dissenters who wanted to help the poor…  Some say John Paul should be held ultimately responsible for the sexual abuse scandals … Ultra-Conservatives say he was too open towards other religions and that he allowed the liturgy to be “infected” by local cultures, such as African dancing.”


[“dancing”?  “infected”?  Is this supposed to be a potshot reference to AIDS?]


So the “good guys” at the church want to get it on the books that this was a real solid pope. Shut the lunatics up.  And they want to remember and honor JP2 for real and not just in their hearts and minds.  They want to do it right. Not with some bullshit blog post.


[ <— dead serious.]


So they are getting shovels and pitchforks


[for the digging]


And ripping his rotting corpse out of the ground


[  correction:  ripping his corpse out of  tHe CrYpTs…    *MUAHahahahaha* ]


Then dragging it across the street


[as a tribute to him, to really show their appreciation]


After which they will “prepare” the body


[lots of makeup, brand new threads, a whole team working together to make him look like the prettiest heap of decomposing flesh/bone possible… because naturally they don’t want it to be weird or anything]


And then someome will chant a series of words which mean more than spoken words because the church has spoken on this matter and promised that the words are holy this time


“John Paul’s successor Pope Benedict XVI will pronounce a Latin formula declaring one of the most popular popes in history a “blessed” of the Church.”


[there’s a formula.  A formula.]


So that the hundreds of thousands of travelers at the ceremony


[the biggest event in Rome since John Paul II’s funeral… this is not as morbid sounding to Rome as one would think]


Who are all caught up (infected?) with a strange, manic craze


“Rome has been caught up with beatification fever.”


[think of bieber fever but with more corpses + ghosts]


Can see the body with their own two eyes, hear the Latin formula with their own two ears, and actually experience something concrete and real, finally get some damn proof in their hands…


“Souvenirs bearing his image have become an instant hit.”

– Claudio Lavanga (reporting from Rome — MSNBC)


Real proof.


[According to the Telegraph, about $22 million worth of counterfeit Pope souvenirs were seized last week]


While the poor saps at home will sit in a tiny room by themselves and remember and honor and imagine and just have faith in the fact that the Pope wasn’t full of shit.


[I don’t think I like/agree with your assumptions and conclusions.]


You can go to Hell.

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