The OurThursday authors love the readers. I mean we really love you and some of us are even prepared to take that to the next level. But recently, in a heated fit of commenting passion, we realized that sometimes if you really want to show your love for someone, you got to make them so angry that new veins will permanently remain on their forehead and small rips will appear in their clothes as their body bulges in maniacal hatred.
In 400 words or less, irritate, piss off, molest, disturb, and/or ruin the day of the reader. Audio, video, images, signal flares, are all permitted. No reusing angry villager material like Wheelchair Bicycle or Cat Abortion.
As some of you may know, Stanford University recently offered me, a self-proclaimed expert, a position to teach a new course called “Economics of Life” (which I turned down because I didn’t want live there–I’d get so bored I’d end up buying a piano or something). So instead, I would like to offer a five-point crash course on how to live your life, since nine out of ten people reading this probably suck at life. YES, YOU.
- When partying, do not begin drinking until 9 p.m. Be patient with your buzz. Too often I see my friends start drinking at four p.m.; and they’re long gone by ten (Remember, the sober moments in life are fun too.). As opposed to: Enjoying the day, partying at night, and passing out at two a.m. Way more optimal.
- Get at least eight hours of sleep every day. Take naps if you have to; it relieves stress, and why be tired at night, when you could have easily taken a nap earlier and been living your day at a 100% energy rate? If you’re at a job with crappy hours (8 a.m.-8 p.m.), get a new job. You only have one life (Seriously, this is it.). Stop slaving away and being so damn tired all the time; it’s affecting your attitude and turning you into a mope.
- Exercise and eat right. Respect.
- Are you under 30 and in some sort of committed relationship? YIKES! What the fuck are you doing? You have the second half of your life to do that. Travel the world, take adventures, explore your creativity, discover yourself! You can’t do those things with another human being nagging at you. And if you think you can, then that explains everything–you lost the human spirit long ago.
- Do you feel like you’re living a dull, meaningless existence? Or stumped on the question, “What’s the meaning of life?” Well here’s your problem: Do something! I’m not talking about a high-paying job. I’m talking about doing something you’re passionate about. And no, golf and working out don’t count. Start a business. Start a blog. Help the homeless. Join the Peace Corps. Raise money for a cause. Write a book. Work on a movie. Invent something. There are a ton of ways to avoid simplyâ€¦existing, and having a lasting impact on the world. Discover your passion, work hard, and do it.
If this blog has pissed you off in any way, it’s because of you, not me, and you really are sucking at life. Sorry I had to be the one to make you realize this.
Gingers: a particular breed with a distinct hair type unlike yours and mine (unless, of course, you are a ginger). Ginger hair is complex and can be strange to the touch. You never know what’s going on under that Ginger noggin (or stereotypically, under one’s trousers), so tread carefully.
I know a decent Ginger when I see one, but unfortunately as a minority, Gingers get a bad rap. However, like in any other small group, a strong Ginger will find his/her way to work through diversity and perhaps one day become a president.
Gingers- don’t knock ’em til you try ’em. You never know, you might not go back!
Words with Friends challenge- see if you can make a new word using the letters in “GINGER” …if so, reread with whatever kind word(s) you find. If not, I’m guessing you’re a blonde.
2491 Tivoli Ave.
I recognized the address. All of the drivers at Vincenzo’s Pizza knew it. It belonged to the handicapped lady who’s “aid” always answered the door. He’d put an X through the tip column of the receipt and hand over the exact amount in change. It wasn’t that they didn’t give, it’s that they went out of their way to leave you with nothing. “Perhaps she’s foreign and unaware of our implied gratuity. . . maybe the assistant is too scared to tell her.” A co-worker hypothesized. Bullshit. They were both stiffs. It was time they got a sneeze-pizza.
The “extra pepperoni” came out of the oven piping hot, just minutes after the order was placed. I boxed it, bagged it, and walked outside. I placed the steaming box inside my truck bed and opened the cardboard cover. I looked around the empty parking lot as if a drug deal were about to go down. I swashed saliva inside my mouth like it was Listerine before spraying it all over the cheesy surface. A few slices were missed so I churned up some more and hit them with a concentrated load. I clapped off the imaginary dust from my hands and walked back into the restaurant, leaving the pizza out to cool in the chilly night air. If you’re disgusted right now, relax. I didn’t cough up any phlegm or mucus, just a little spit. It’s like cheating on your girlfriend – okay if it’s only a blow job.
When I pulled up to the house forty-five minutes later, I noticed something was off. I had the wrong address. 2473 was foreign handicapped lady’s place. 2491 was further down. I parked out front the correct spot, peering into the brightly lit entryway. The entire family greeted me at the door with warm smiles- Mom, Dad, and their adorable seven-year-old son. They handed me a twenty for the fifteen dollar pizza and told me to keep the change. I thanked them and quickly left. When I got back to the restaurant I noticed the tip and total columns on the receipt were left blank. I added another two dollars.
Piss them off? Fuck that.
These robotic scavengers of life have sent me to the brink of insanity filled rage and I fear I will never return.
So you’re a teacher and hope to reach that one student … sounds like a 99% failure rate to me.
So you’re a lawyer … you are the reason for the loss of trust in this world and you make money off it. Urchin.
So you’re a politician … you are the undulating mass of uselessness spawning lawyers making you a larger urchin than they are.
So you’re an artist … your shit looks just like that guy I saw down by the pier.
So you move intangible money … I loathe you and most people in the world do as well. You like that feeling big guy? Hmmm?
So you’re a chef … ya me too. You don’t see me begging people to pay me for it.
So you play poker … go whine to someone else about the obvious conspiracy against you … and put some pants on.
So you are in the middle of a giant corporation managing something that you don’t really understand … you fucked up.
So you’re an engineer … that baller salary looks like shite when you are working 70 hours a week effectively putting you at the same pay level as the dude who cuts your lawn.
So you’re a doctor … stop fucking with evolution and let them die. You are single handedly annihilating the human race through your efforts to prolong a single life. Emergency medicine or quit.
So you own a business … how dare you skimp your taxes to negatively affect the people that give you money.
So you’re an accountant â€¦ your job is to hide the simplicity in what you do. You are useless.
So you sell real estate â€¦ I look at you and see a salivating wolf mask with cocaine eyes and polished teeth.
So you’re an entrepreneur â€¦ if you still call yourself that then you’re failing at life and cannot entrepreneur your way into anything. Douche.
I live a gratifying, productive, and genuine life and I have these helpless drones floating around trying to fuck up my chi and you want me to piss them off? Well fuck you Mr. Blog. I have enough “pissed off” in me to piss on all these jokers.
Abortions should be mandatory across the board for at least a decade.
“Be fruitful and multiply.” I think even God would be startled at how far we’ve taken that directive. It’s like, your mom told you to brush your teethâ€¦ but you did stop brushing them at some point right? You took 6-8 hour breaks before brushing them again, yes?
We are facing countless problems on Earth. Adding more people is not the answer.
For reference, here are the problems a mandatory abortion law would solve:
We, as a race, are a pregnant 12 year oldâ€¦ with octuplets. We don’t have the education, the funds, or the maturity to handle our situation. We are greedy and irresponsible, and our children are going to pay the price. So instead, let’s take a break, mature a little bit, maybe come up with a 5 year plan, and then go on with creating another few billion lives.
If we could cut the baby-making for even a decade — the tiniest time out in terms of history — imagine how great the world would look.
If your brain can’t fathom the big picture of that utopia, let me offer you a few small scale improvements:
- Shorter linesâ€¦ for everything
- More stuffâ€¦ for everyone
- More spaceâ€¦ for things
There would be so much extra stuff, we could start giving old shit away. I’ll take this apartment building. You take that one. Fire sale on 1 grade classrooms. No bathroom lines. Want a pineapple? The Dole family has 300,000,000 extra now.
Like Thoreau said, Simplify, Simplify.
Quality, not quantity. Progress, shmogress. We have iPads. We have super computers. We have the internet. We can cruise control for X amount of years until we plug a few leaks. We don’t have to fix everything. Like Bill Hicks said, let’s just solve the whole food/air deal first.
But still, some idiots will convince themselves they are different so they are going to have a baby or four because they’re giving the gift of life… When really they’re only contributing to the starvation and suffocation of billions… stroking their ego with somes trange delusion of eternal life or escape from boredom.
Hence the mandatory part.
I understand that some will find the concept offensive.
Wallace said kneejerk reactions could kill a person.