What would life be without trees? Bleak, sweltering, and full of carbon dioxide … for three. While we all enjoy ourselves a good tree once in a while, how much do we really know about them? Director Logan Leistikow reveals the true magnificence of The Giant Forest in Trees, the first installment of his new series, American Nature, now playing on Funny or Die.
“Life would definitely suck without trees,” Logan says.
No stranger to the indie production scene, Logan shot and directed the award-winning documentary The Comedy Garageand is currently producing its follow up, The Comedy Garage [Deluxe Edition]. Then there’sSpace Rock – a story about the first moon landing, which includes real NASA footage and is scheduled to release this July.
Now that he’s thoroughly stalked struggling comedians and astronauts, Logan’s latest venture investigates his long-standing love affair with his mother, my mother and your mother — Mother Nature.
Logan’s special relationship with nature began at an early age by the influence of, “a lot of old white guys in Native American headdresses.”
“I was in Indian Guides, which was sort of similar [to Boy Scouts.],” he says. “We earned beads and feathers instead of badges and were taught the way of the natives.
“We didn’t learn useful skills oddly enough,” he continues. “Except fire safety, I guess.”
Fire safety, in fact, is one of many subjects covered in Trees. Find out why the Sequoias of The Giant Forest “like it hot,” and a slew of other earthly tidbits you probably learned at summer camp, but have definitely forgotten.
“I’ve always wanted to direct a nature documentary,” Logan says. “Although when I was a kid, I thought more along the lines of great white sharks or lions chasing gazelles.”
Leave the slow motion, HD shots of cheetahs to The Discovery Channel; American Nature captures the simple yet beautiful wonders that may go unnoticed by busybodies like you and me.
“Everyone can always stand to learn a little more,” Logan adds. “And I think most people find nature intrinsically fascinating.”
That they do, Logan, and if they don’t – what is wrong with them?
Check out Trees today! And, gear up for more mind-blowing Earth knowledge every month on Funny or Die. What’s next on American Nature? Buffalo and Volcanoes.
I was/am stressed out. So I’ve been reviewing vacation destinations. Taking my budget into account, I settled on Land of Make Believe.
I had a difficult experience, even though I did my research first. There were a lot of rules. The Land of Make Believe is located in Hope, New Jersey.
Chris, from Nutley, New Jersey, assured me that it was “the best amusement park for kids within 100 miles of NYC” and “no one touches your stuff there”.
But I wasn’t about to put all my faith-eggs in one New Jersey basket.
I had to go to Pennsylvania to get the truth. Saylorsburg. A woman named Lois.
“Bad story: We climbed all the way to the top for the water slide, when they told my grandchild his bathing suit was not a bathing suit – and made us walk all the way back down. Had to buy a different kind of suit. It worked out – but what the heck!!! Can’t they ‘screen’ for that before you climb all the way up. It was really hard on the kid and grandma was pretty angry!”
I was pretty affected by this. It is, indeed, a bad story. But I wasn’t ready to dismiss the Land of Make Believe just yet.
So I sent Lois a message:
Dear Lois,
I wish they COULD ‘screen’ for that sort of thing. I really do.
But I can’t help but wonder about your pre-trip research. They have a website. You’ll see there, in blue and white, they make a pretty big deal about what they think a bathing suit is and is not. They even bolded and increased the font size on the phrase “Our Definition of Bathing Suits is Final” – which would hopefully draw your attention back to the paragraphs above.
I don’t want to harp on you here, Lois, but reading is important. Especially for a grandmother! Do any of your kids have allergies? Did you know they use peanut oil in several of the foods served at The Land of Make Believe?
It’s got to be traumatic for your grandkid to get this ‘wet’ for something only be turned away for his grandmother’s reading skills. Reading is not skimming. Reading is a complete action that must include audience participation – aka thoughts translating into informed actions. Without this added effort from you, The Land of Make Believe – and your life – may never amount to much more than a series of ‘bathing suit’ problems.
Best Regards,
Matt Zbrog
—
That felt pretty good! Really got my rocks off.
I was satisfied with classifying Lois as an illiterate lunatic, and Nutley Chris as an inside expert.
Tickets were around $24, which felt like an okay amount, given all the cool rides and the free parking. I’m pretty sure they wanted that per trip, however.
But when I went to pay, I noticed a problem.
Method of Payment: Cash or Discover only. We do NOT accept Visa or Mastercard, due to their policy on consumer fraud.
I re-read that sentence a few times.
Maybe Lois was onto something after all.
I did more research. Colonel Corn? Jenny Jump?
The house of cards tumbled down.
Even finding the hours of operation for The Land of Make Believe looked like a word problem:
Open for the public WEEKENDS ONLY starting Memorial Day weekend (including Memorial Day Monday) thru 2nd weekend in June. You know so kind of like Open for the public DAILY from the 3rd Saturday in June thru Labor Day. The Park will also be open on the weekend after Labor Day. GPS Coordinates are maybe sorta: Long – W 74º 57.542′ Lat – N 40º 54.122′ No Refunds! No Rain Checks! [lots of talk about bathing suits] We use PEANUT OIL. NO ALCOHOL Permitted in Park. Know what I mean Just 2 miles from Route 80 exit 12 in Hope, New Jersey, 354 Great Meadows Road – It’s just Route 61! Blah Blah Blah you know?
I didn’t want to believe it, but it was obvious.
I wish I could go back in time and tell Lois how I feel about her now:
Dear Lois,
I apologize for my earlier message. I was frustrated about several other unrelated aspects of my life, and that frustration bubbled over and oozed onto you, and your grandchildren.
I often forget that when I critique someone else, almost all those critiques somehow point back to me. I rarely take my own best advice. I’m sure you understand this well, Lois, as wisdom comes with age.
I am trapped inside the dynamics of language these days, and I admit I don’t know what a bathing suit is anymore, either. The words ‘credit’, ‘discover’, and ‘hope’ have all taken on a very bizarre meaning – turned into the words ‘visa’ ‘cash’ and ‘newjersey’.
Orwellian, right?
These are frightening times to raise a grandchild.
I think the ‘owners’ of The Land of Make Believe are scheming bastards, and should be replaced.
1. Grow a beard, wear a Lincoln hat.
2. Paint your house white and give tours.
3. Challenge someone to a duel.
4. Avoid all theaters, railroad stations, fairgrounds and Texas.
5. Wear wooden dentures and answer only to George.
6. Point at England on a globe and laugh.
7. Point at China on a globe and bend over.
8. Get aides.
9. Finally get around to building that fence between you and your Mexican neighbors.
10. Read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to your children and replace the word “Narnia” with “Canada.”
11. Tell everyone you’re a Christian.
12. Have a penis.
13. If you can’t get yourself a penis, go out in public with a stain on your skirt.
14. Play the saxophone, mispronounce simple words and/or sing to appear approachable.
15. Make stimulus packages for your friends: Fill a disposable bag with the economy, money you don’t have and hope. Then, seal the bag, shake vigorously and watch nothing happen at all.
When famous people croak, we unite and praise the person’s life. When normal people croak, we do the same thing, but it’s not a worldwide congregation of condolences, because why would it be? The world doesn’t know about Joe Shmoe. The world, however, knows about famous people. They entertain our lives and inspire us through their vitality and talent.
Whitney Houston’s death has affected us and despite her bouts of failures and misfortunes, she has been an incomparable force to our ears and souls. And with most famous people, she probably didn’t hold a place in your daily “care about you” sentiments but I’m willing to bet she shaped memories in you one way or another. If she didn’t, you probably live under a rock or you are deaf.
At age 5, I attended my first concert: Whitney Houston. My mother dressed my sister and me in our finest dresses, faux fur coats and on the way, we picked up a bouquet of roses as a gift for Ms. Houston. We had front row tickets and paraded to our seats proudly, anticipating a flash of eye contact. In the middle of the concert, she waved at my sister who held the roses waiting for that exact moment to occur. Together, we rushed the stage and tiptoed until it strained our soles, she smiled her huge smile as she accepted the bouquet. The adrenaline of the moment exhausted me and quickly put me to sleep, mid concert, on my mom’s lap. The thought tickles my heart.
Now, in weak moments, when my soul is strained, I watch YouTube videos of her singing the National Anthem. The prickly goosebumps that blanket my body never weaken and I’ve seen it 432 times. It lets me know that I do, indeed, still feel things.
When someone like her dies it is, in the least, thought provoking. I never had a conversation with the woman but she has impacted my life by creating memories, like the one when a friend and I karaoked “I Will Always Love You.” We nailed it, and the crowd went wild, as the crowd usually does when something moves them. It may not move them greatly, but the extent does not matter, does it? To live is to feel…
As many of you know, I published my book a couple weeks ago. In the coming weeks, it will be available on Kindle, and I will also be releasing an audio book read by the one and only Dave Axe.
In the meantime, the retail price days have come and gone, and the book is now $9.95. Loaded with all new content, you”d be unquestionably insane to not own a copy. On a serious note, I”m not looking to make any money off all this (A teacher salary suits casino pa natet me just fine). Just looking to get my words circulating through the occasional bookshelf for centuries to come. Go to amazon stat and check it out here.
I want to thank you all for your support over the years. You help put me on the map and kept the journey alive.
Insects make many of us want to light ourselves on fire, and understandably so. Spiders (technically not insects but just go with it) are nightmares on eight legs that climb into your mouth while you sleep, and cockroaches are bullets of septic waste. June bugs float in your iced tea in the summer and moths molest your genitals. The jury is still out on bees, but only because their vomit is delicious. Butterflies are morons.
But there’s one bug that’s totally bitchin’: The praying mantis. At first glance they appear as pious pocket Martians with their green, triangular heads and grace-giving hands. However, they’re so much more.
1. You and I are more alien than these little dudes. They’ve been on Earth for .3 million years, which means their abuelos hung out with stegosauruses.
2. They have one designated ear located between their legs for the sole purpose of detecting bats. Just like Chaka Khan.
3. Praying hands? More like, preying hands! Their endearing green limbs are actually sharp, thorny claws for crushing unsuspecting lunch meat like wasps, tarantulas, small birds and your teacup poodle.
4. Males can mount females for 24 hours! But don’t go trolling for mantises yet, Ladies and Gents. It’s only because …
5. De-mounting results in post-coital cannibalism. “Oh yeah! Don’t stop!”
6. They’re out to kill Aladdin.
7. They can see up to 50 feet away with their sets of five eyes.
8. They win Oscars!
9. Their heads can rotate 180 degrees.
10. They ask themselves, “what if?”
So before you run away in terror or point a can of Aqua Net at a mantis in your vicinity, take a moment to remember that really, they’re not so different from you or me or Tilda Swinton.
American Nature captures the simple yet beautiful wonders that may go unnoticed by busybodies like you and me.
