There is an overpopulation of cats. Neutering is expensive and perverse. These are tough economic times. Look to Darwin.
In both suburban and metropolitan areas, cats are plentiful and easy to hunt. They are fast, but can be outsmarted. If you’ve played Mousetrap, you are ready to go. Eating cat is cheap, delicious, and rewarding.
It is preferable to catch them alive.
Once you’ve caught your first cat, your gut instinct may be to try and place it in a boiling pot of water. This is exactly what the cat wants you to try. Don’t. If you have bathed a live cat before, your scars should remind you that this is a poor idea.
First, it is important to gain the cat’s trust. Put a hat on the creature. Talk to it in a baby voice. Cuddle. Keep it in a confined space. This is a test of wills. At some point, Stockholm syndrome will take over and the cat will be yours, purring as you baste its skin with another layer of marinade.
Feed it regularly. Fatty foods high in Omega-3 are best. When the cat’s stomach is bulbous and the coat is glossy, you are ready to prepare your meal.
There are a number of recipes. Use your imagination. I have prepared cat tacos, cat sandwiches, and cat cereal. My friend Hank enjoys cat smoothies and cat burgers. We once roasted a cat — it is important not to pre-heat the oven in that instance. The cat will sense danger, and react.
How rare or well done you like your cat meat is entirely at your discretion. Cat tempura carries a gamey crunch. Cat sashimi is for the advanced palette.
You can remove the fur with a filet knife or leave it on. Try it both ways. Think of it like a fig. If you decide to skin your cat before eating (there are many ways to do this) MAKE SURE YOU SAVE THE FUR. It is perfect material for mittens and slippers.
The bones have utility, too. The skull makes both an excellent pencil holder or a classy ashtray. A candleholder is not out of the question. Be creative. Channel your muse. Use all parts of the buffalo.
Once you have the basics down — hunting, brainwashing, cooking, carving, cleaning — feel free to express yourself. The art and spirituality of cat eating is as deep an ocean as you wish it to be. Invite your friends over. Share the gift of cat with another.
Occasionally, you may come across a militant vegetarian who will lecture you on the cruelty of cat cuisine, perhaps handing you pamphlets describing how evil you are for feeding yourself cheaply. In that case, explain that plants have a right to exist just as we do. Tell them to take their disgusting tree flesh dollar bills and go buy tofu at Albertsons.
Bon Appétit!
