Our Thursday

Category: Politics

  • Wayne Worlds Collide

    Wayne Worlds Collide

    WAYNE WORLDS COLLIDE

    A)n outline to an essay I started, originally titled “WAYNE WORLDS COLLIDE… The Hipster Economy of Cool and its effects on/interplay with American neo-capitalism (post Regan) as demonstrated in feature film Wayne’s World and its sequel.”

    B)y mattz brog

    [begun july 1st, 2011, 9:19 PM , abandoned july 2nd, 2011, 1:43 AM]

     

     I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

    -Wayne Campbell

     

    THESIS

    In the beginning,

    Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar represent the archetypes of the first “early adopters” of new millennium trends which now define the socio-political landscape.

     

    FRAME

    In the early 21st century aka now-ish, a certain upheaval is occurring and modern society’s value system is being flipped on its head.  Some graybeard intellectuals have taken this as a big surprise — but that’s because they are old and everything is moving too fast and cheeseburgers used to be a quarter and the country is run by godless socialists and also by kids much, much cooler than you.  Yeah this has been coming, has been around, kind of played out now, and just discovering that fact yourself does not mean it wasn’t there a billion years ago, aka 1994, plastered throughout surewhynot Wayne’s World.

     

    STUFF

    A) The repeated demonstration of obscure triviatic knowledge, political ennui, and pop-culture-wherewithal as hierarchy-establishing forces

    1. Wayne’s impressive grasp of the Cantonese language, complete with regional dialect accent, is the clincher which wins over Cassandra after their meet-cute.
    2. Their lack of ‘trying’ leads them to success, and that sort of anti-ethos now grips a wide demographic in a target market (18-whatever, with $); however they demonstrate sincere effort when it comes to certain core anarcho-socialist values.
    3. Asdlkf
    4. This is only going to make sense if they’ve seen the movies and remember them [format?] research outlines
    5. no one is going to read 2k words in one sitting anymore maybe not ever again

     

    We fear change.

    -Garth Algar

    B) Eschewing Money

    1. Wayne’s World, the show within the movie, debuts on public access. It achieves fame on public access from word of mouth. Even after a stint on cable (thanks to the nefarious Rob Lowe), they go back to public access and still find success. This is a brutal uppercut to the established modes of transmission and creative politics at large, maybe.
    2. In one particularly eerie bit of social commentary, Cassandra laments the birth of CDs as the dominant format — “I’ll have to buy everything all over again,” she moans. Wayne, meanwhile, pops in another 8 track and gains points in our book not for the camp-style of his possessions, but for the passion and ahead-of-the-curve understanding he displays —  The song has the quality, not the format, especially when everyone in the car sings along.
    3. Their mocking of corporate sponsors (ex: Wayne calls noah’s arcade founder a “sphincter boy” clandestinely during his first prime time TV slot) is really a demonstration of free speech in a post-FCC era. Wayne goes on to write — not say — of his sponsor, “He blows goats…I have proof” and “This man has no penis” — and those tweet-sized comments get him fired from his own show. This is less of an allusion to McCarthysm and more of a forecast of a coming era of censorship-via-funding (and thusly lack of funding). There’s maybe a parable here about publically owned companies here that borders on sedition or um something about tweets starting revolutions all over the world I don’t know, revise, delete?
    4. Their rejection of mega sponsorships in-the-story, while cheekily mocking huge corporate players such as Reebok, Nike, Doritos, Pepsi, Abunchofothers who paid for the privilege, exposing the how-whore-can-you-go mentality driving their ad departments. Confronted with this stark, stark, head-slapping lack of morals, Garth counters with Buddah-esque poise, wearing Reeboks from head to toe, opining: “It’s like, they don’t even care…”

     

    C) A de-emphasis on looks

    1. rob lowe (sodomized at the end of the first movie)
    2. kim basinger (manipulative, criminally-plotting, eventually jilted by Garth who dismisses her as “mental” despite his own questionable thought processes)
    3. garth’s ‘foxy lady’ fantasies come true, he sexually conquers Kim Basinger, and he achieves self satisfaction despite shunning contemporary hair fashion vis a vis effort and mega-corporate products (as well as those that test on animals)
    4. wayne’s cup runneth over *schwing* despite the mullet and generic clothes. While dodging the maniacal love and dedication of his redhead ex girlfriend, Wayne bags the ethnically-gifted Cassandra on his first try. His prodigy-like grasp of the Cantonese language (itself a veiled metaphor some of the more unteachable aspects of music as a field of knowledge) succeeds, while Rob Lowe’s maybe-better-er understanding of the language’s nuances fails because it’s simply too polished. Wayne trumps these and other obstacles again and again, all with a minimal education and the full-time responsibility of entertaining a wide fanbase with a public access TV show that is basically a skype session with lower Chicago.
    5. In both films (more self-referentially in the second) we are left to assume that in this fictional world the embodiment of a person’s character is greater than his social status or outward appearance.

    D) the progressive stance towards race and diversity

    1. Cassandra’s Cantonese father (a traditionalist and assumed neo-communist) at first battles Wayne with swords and kung fu but ultimately gives him respect, and his daughter’s hand, all due to Wayne’s ability to empathize with his future father in law’s culture… and ultimately imitate it… ultimatelyultimatelyultimately Wayne’s proto speak transcends lingual boundaries and finds ways to interact with a diverse character set on each individual sub-cultures own terms. He does this without pandering but also without offending, because at the end of any interaction there remains Wayne’s guffaw-ing grin and bird-chirping stare. He’s harmless. That’s the cover which Wayne, Garth, and their legion of seditious insurgents use to outwit corporations and consumers alike.
    2. The native American spirit guide in Waynes World 2 (WW2) pays homage to not just a spiritual/openreligion theme, but to certain unacknowledged demons of America’s aggressive industrial revolution past.
    3. Russel and crew member engage in heterosexual bonding to such an extent that it becomes a total rejection of hyper-masculinity by making it a balls question.  You afraid to admit you love your friends, dude?  Sha, right.  The bolditude of that dare was part of a new era of the male-liberation movement, a safe place where otherwise super-gay activities and several terrible sitcoms could finally jailbreak their gender roles and fly under the banner of Russel’s immortal quote “platonic love can exist between two grown men.”
    4. Fix formatting here don’t know why its doing this.

    E) The de-emphasis of mainstream media — foreshadowing the decline of the Record Label, the death of the Television industry, the birth of the Internet as institutional taste-maker, and the democratization of fame

    1. Cassandra shuns music video (allusion to death of MTV?) for her band Crucial Taunt (continuing the irony principle with such a name) in order to play Waynestock
    2. The plan for Waynestock is to get 2 people to tell 2 people… forecasting not only the coming music festival corporate cashgrab bonanza sponsored by Heineken and their world famous $12 beer, but also the social media powerhouses which would follow 15 years after the movie was released.
    3. Their decision to use radio to promote waynestock, putting their own commercial-speak on a bandwidth usually reserved for music, on a medium reserved for ads.  Hostile takeover of dinosaur institutions.
    4. Wayne’s shameless use of a Morrison impersonator (via dream, via actor) to promote his non-existant event. Following the ghost of Jim Morrison’s advice “if you book them, they will come,” one could see a forecast of Kickstartr, as well as a firm summation of the coming era’s “sell it now and create it later” attitude which birthed 2 stock bubbles (dot com and mortgage) and nearly crashed the human economy + value system as we know it.

    F) Domestic terrorism performed with stunning irreverence

    1. Prior history of run-ins with law, outspoken disregard for justice system

    Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?

    Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We’re between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.

    Garth Algar: That’s right. I walked right to that office – that’s what I did – and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said “Listen, man. I’m not going to jail for *you* or for anybody.”

    2. Garth casually hacks into a satellite system and is able to route the signal from the broadcast into the television set in Sharp’s limo (paradigm shift of power as Garth, the unemployed, disgruntled citizen armed with a laptop in Aurora, Illinois, is able to hack through the United States government’s hardware/software and manipulate a corporate mogul’s private data feed for a separate agenda)

    OK… First I’ll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I’ll ID the limo by the vanity plate “MR. BIGGG” and get his approximate position. Then I’ll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big’s limo… It’s almost too easy.

    -Garth Algar

    3. Wayne exhibits disturbing bouts of jealousy in regards to Cassandra, and, in the sequel, this ratchets up to him physically spying on her with elaborate technology and teams of masquerading agents in costume. Can draw lines to 21st century relationship boundaries, social-media-stalking, UK tabloid wiretap scandals, and the ideals of global-forced transparency via WikiLeaks.

     [Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training]

    Garth Algar: What are you gonna do with these guys?

    Wayne Campbell: Oh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.

    4. fix formatting dont know why its doing this still

    MORE) More

    1. Say something aboutmusic influence maybe.

    2. 2nd movie gets self referential so can talk about the almost complete redo of The Graduate montage that takes up several minutes of screen time, or the Charleton Heston thing could tie to guns/NRA rabbithole but better to stick to the acting line scene which is pretty good gimmick but later boned out in Austin Powers so much that it’s hard to appreciate now

    3. can also go into Garth’s paralytic reaction to being on the air alone as this is a feeling many young americans uhfeel today when staring into the maw of the infinite audience at their fingertips on twitter, facebook, blogs, etc, best not to think of this any longer.

    Wayne Campbell: Well, that’s all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that bullied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.

    Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn’t think it sucked.

     

    CONCLUSION 1

    In maybe conclusion,

    Wayne and Garth are dangerous puppets of some postmodern, bloodthirstily anarcho-socialist agenda, one whose greatest weapon is caring and more importantly a lack of caring. Therefore, And but so What positive we can draw is that the things Wayne cares about, he really cares about. And while those things are few — a best friend, a jamming babe, and some tunes — he defends them, commits to them — they’re all he needs.

    Wayne Campbell: What the hell’s going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I’m being shit on, that’s all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off-

    [Camera pans away]

    Wayne Campbell: Wait, where are you goin’? OK, things aren’t that great, but I’ll get ’em back, OK?

     

    CONCLUSION 2

    As rumors of a second sequel abound one wonders if the Economy of Cool can handle a WW3. Wayne and Garth aren’t cool because they ignore or criticize — they’re cool because they don’t care about being cool.  That sort of highschool-epiphany is the paradox which both validates the idea of another film and destabalizes their integrity  with each added installment in the franchise.

    Just do you, man.

    Ah yes, it’s a lot like “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. In many ways it’s superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

    -Wayne Campbell

     

    CONCLUSION 3

    But believe this and try not to hurl: a reboot is coming, it will happen, it must happen, because anywhere there is a fan base, there is an equation to calculate how much money they have, a study to inquire how much said fans would part with, a projection as to what tie-in sponsorships and products can be jerked out with as little care as possible, and a bottom line budget to promote produce and corpse fuck the franchise by turning out another turd in the hopes of feeding a few hungry Rob Lowes and thereby weakening the value (marketed or intrinsic) held within the early movies, the original story.

    “It’s like they don’t even care.”

    [restarted 216 am may 30 2012 and ‘finished’ under duress 436am may 31 2012]

  • Stories From Work

     

    Beating the Line

    The bathroom situation in the teacher’s lounge consisted of adjacent men’s and women’s rooms. I’m pretty sure the decision to make them sex-discriminatory was made by either a gay man or a tidy woman. While the majority of women may have liked this idea, the men secretly disagreed with it. On several occasions, there would be a three-person line waiting to use the men’s room, even though the women’s room was vacant. Superior to my male colleagues in pooping and peeing, I always took the initiative and ditched the line to use the women’s room to ensure optimal bathroom usage.

    One time, I had to poop badly, and there was no line for either bathroom. I rounded the opposite corner simultaneously with another math teacher in his early forties, beating him by a step. He was a squirly-looking motherfucker with light, parted hair and an earring in his left ear. He’d probably been cool back in 1992 when Vanilla Ice started the whole earring-in-the-left-ear-to-let-everyone-know-you’re-straight thing. But then 1993 happened, and the fashion died out with a whimper. This foolish man had not yet made the adjustment. When I approached the door, I smiled and said sarcastically, “Haha, beat you to it.” I entered the restroom, locked the door behind me, frantically and unnecessarily put toilet paper over the seat, and exploded. While it is distinctly audible to hear the women’s room door open and close, this time there was silence. The women’s room remained vacant. The fool was waiting for me. About nine minutes into my poop, the warning bell rang. Two minutes later, there was violent pounding on my door–five malicious thuds. I finished a minute later to find an empty lounge. I did not feel guilty for taking my time; he should have used the women’s room.

    I ran into the guy the next day while walking to my teacher mailbox. In an attempt to diffuse any hard feelings that may have come from yesterday’s event, I said, “Sorry about yesterday. Just use the woman’s room. I do all the time.” His face turned red, and he replied, “What? Uh, what are you talking about?” I searched his face for signs of sarcasm but found nothing except for apprehension in the form of rosy cheeks and a sparkling ear decoration. I waved off his reply and returned to my classroom. Did he really think I wouldn’t think it was him who did the door pounding? 

    “Dude, I know it was you who pounded on the door. Just take your shit in the women’s room. You don’t have to be ashamed that your poops smell bad. So do mine. If there are chicks waiting when you’re finished, who gives a fuck? Just tell them that it was the architect’s fault for not making both of the bathrooms coed.” This is what I should have told him but didn’t. I pussed out. Either way, speeches like this should be given to defensive guys who suck at taking small risks with bathroom situations. Even if they’re teachers, middle-aged men with parted hair and earrings in their left ear are deceptive liars. Steer clear of such folk.  

     

    The Mailbox

    An unspoken obligation of the teaching profession is making the short walk to the office every morning to check our mailboxes. I detest this walk. First, the invention of email in the previous century was meant to make things easier in the workplace–faster communication, the elimination of physical memos, and fewer inane walks to an inane mailbox. Secondly, I have to cross paths with all the other teachers, the masters of small talk. I hate small talk. I hate awkward greetings, forced smiles, petty comments on the weather, or, worst of all, contrived attempts at pleasant conversation. It never ceases to amaze me that my middle-aged colleagues prefer these empty interactions over silence. I hate to sound unpleasant or aloof, but all early-morning exchanges with elder teachers look like one of the following:

     

    Teacher 1: “Morning.”

    Teacher 2: “Morning.”

     

    Teacher 1: “Morning. Nice day, huh?”

    Teacher 2: (Fake chuckle) “Heh, yeah, I heard it was supposed to be cloudy (A lie).”

    (Sometimes) Teacher 1: “So how are your classes going?”

    Teacher 2: (Stops walking because he/she is doomed to waste about 1-2 minutes of life so Teacher 1 can feel like he/she is a polite, positive, or sociable person) “Good, how about yours?”

     

    Teacher 1: “How’s it going?”

    Teacher 2: “Good. And you?”

    Teacher 1: “Good.”

    Teacher 2: (Fake smile)

     

    Teacher 1: “How’s it going?”

    Teacher 2: (Rolls eyes in fake exhaustion) “I’m tired.”

    Teacher 1: “Yeah, I hear ya.”

     

    Teacher 1: (In fake excitement) “Yay, it’s Friday!”

    Teacher 2: (Fake smile and chuckle) “Yep.”

     

    Sadly, I’ve played the role of both Teacher 1 and 2, many times. I know: I am pathetic. Although I’m not the most polite person in the world, I do play the part to please others. I just wish people could find other ways of feeling good about themselves besides artificial conversations with coworkers. Go exercise. Stop being mean to people you love. Apologize when you know you were wrong. Keep your promises. Eat healthy food. Forgo fast food and junk food. Stop wasting my time with your pathetic attempts at being a good person.

    It reminds me of drivers who decide to be a “good person” and let me, the pedestrian, cross the street in the parking lot when I’m not even close to crossing yet, and it’s clearly their turn. I hate this because I’ll look like an ass if I don’t increase my speed and trot like I’m walking in front of a TV. Your dumbass should have just driven through. There was plenty of room for you to go and no risk of hitting me. Now you made me speed up for no reason, and I wanted to continue my leisurely stroll. Thanks for being a good person and disrupting my leisure time. When it comes to parking-lot drivers and early-morning coworkers, this world needs more assholes.

    Towards the end of the first week of my teaching career, I made the trip to my mailbox. In my box I found a half-dozen memos and flyers, and on top of them sat a medium-sized snack pack of animal crackers–the ones with the white and pink frosting with the sprinkles. Mine was the only box with the crackers, so they must’ve been a gift of some sort. Not a fan of such a treat and already irritated by the notion of a mailbox, I left the crackers as they were. Two weeks passed. The crackers still remained in my box. I reasoned that since they were a gift, I couldn’t give them away; I wasn’t raised that way. But if I threw them away I’d be wasting an unopened item of food, which is against my personal rules. I concluded that my only option was to leave them in my mailbox and hope someone would steal them. Midway through the third ongoing week of untouched animal crackers, I walked up to my mailbox and found an empty box. Finally! Someone who actually liked them became hungry and stole them. I was at ease with my conscience.

    A week later, while eating lunch in the teacher’s lounge, one of the elder female math teachers, Mrs. Crow, sat across from me at a crowded table of twelve. She brought her blue lunch pail, and before she even took out her main entrée, I saw them. They were pink and white and sprinkly, and they were piled amply inside a Ziploc bag. Shit! She was the one! To welcome me to the school, she had decided that I would greatly appreciate a happy pack of animal crackers, and I had disrespected her gift, big time. She knew. Upon busting out her valued treat, she went slowly around the table and offered everyone at the table a cracker. Everyone was accepting them! I was seventh in line for the offer, that is, if she didn’t skip me in the rotation. If she did offer me one, I obviously had no choice but to accept. The other teachers clearly had the upper hand in knowing that you do not turn down animal crackers from Mrs. Crow. When she got to me, she changed her offer routine. Instead of simply smiling and holding out the bag, she said in an attempt at sounding neutral to prior events, “Would you like a cookie, Dave?”

    “Sure,” I said. I reached into the bag and grabbed one. It was pink. Wanting to make it seem like I was cherishing her offer, I only took a small bite. If I had popped the whole thing in, she may have snapped. She watched me for five seconds, an underlying fury brewing within. Then she offered the next person in line without saying a word. I received several glares over the last five minutes I remained at that table. After that day, three things never happened again: I never sat at that table again; I was never offered any more animal crackers; and I never received another gift from Mrs. Crow.

    Now because I’m a good person, I can appreciate Mrs. Crow’s altruistic spirit, but even so, I shouldn’t be obligated to eat a bag of fucking animal crackers if I don’t feel like it. People shouldn’t conjure inauthenticity by carrying out their own self-righteousness. For example, if Mrs. Crow could feel good about herself without handing out a bunch of animal crackers, I wouldn’t have to feign appreciation. I guess, in a way, my stories are like my own little animal crackers that I feel compelled to hand out, but at least I don’t hover around you monitoring your consumption, making you feel bad for not reading them, or expecting you to pretend you like them.

  • First Argentinian Dupes

    While traveling around Europe, our group coined the term ‘dupe’ which is basically to be tricked. Dupes happen all the time especially in a foreign country where you do not speak the language. Thus far I have been rather lucky and I have only been duped twice. Here they are…

    (more…)

  • An Uninformed Campaign Reform Suggestion

    It has become clear during this election that the populace has started to consider two notions that I have not been exposed to before.

    • I am sure this has been prevalent for many years but the concept of having a two party system is pissing people off. This comes from the fact that both options do not exactly get you to jump out of your chair and wave a hockey mom sign.
    • This idea that “I will vote for Obama just to make sure McCain does not get in even though I dont really like McCain either.” (This example works in both directions of course.) Another extension of the two party system because people are beginning to realize that their party does not do everything for them but due to the lack of options, they stick to its side. What better way to do this than to vote against the perceived opposition. (more…)